feverish

Photo

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 22:01:54 -0400

4/17/13;

Wed, 17 Apr 2013 16:55:00 -0400

Six things you will find if you open my bag
☆ “I don’t have a bag, but here are some items I tend to take with me: water bottle.”
☆ “Camera.”
☆ “ID and money.”
☆ “Coat or hoodie.”
☆ “CD player.”
☆ “Silver mechanical pencil.”

Six things in my bedroom
☆ “A mountain of stuffed animals.”
☆ “Books and journals and such.”
☆ “My trinket and treasure table.”
☆ “An acoustic guitar.”
☆ “A couple bins of clothes.”
☆ “A tiny fake Christmas tree.”

Six things I’ve always wanted to do in my life
☆ “Have some sort of grand, life-changing, life-affirming adventure (although it’s become more defined in recent years: backpack the Colorado Trail, the Appalachian Trail, other long trails throughout the US as well as in other countries; find more mountains I could conceivably climb; explore Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Germany, Japan; see glaciers and icebergs and deep mossy forests and seas of springtime blossoms; essentially: travel, travel, travel—wherever my wanderwishing takes me).”
☆ “Live in a quaint and rustic cabin somewhere secluded, but not too secluded: I don’t want to live so remotely that it’s closer to nonexistence, but I do want a home that feels like a personal sanctuary.”
☆ “Fall in love—or BE love. Change the world in small ways. Help people see how wonderful they are.”
☆ “Garden and grow my own food. Try to live from and appreciate the land as much as possible.”
☆ “Provide a caring home for a bunch of cats.”
☆ “Figure out who I am—and how to be that person, unabashedly.”
☆ “And I know this is seven things, but: C R E A T E. Write, draw, take pictures, journal, do crafts, collage—whatever.”

Six things that make me very happy
☆ “Spending time with people I care about—family, friends, etc.”
☆ “Spending time out in nature. Lying on the earth, feeling the sun, grass, and sky. Feeling at peace; still; belonging.”
☆ “Receiving unexpectedly sincere, uplifting, encouraging, and hope-instilling compliments.”
☆ “Reuniting with people I used to know—and having it go really well.”
☆ “Realizing I can overcome or diminish some of my most deeply rooted fears and beliefs.”
☆ “Seeing other people happy. Their good energy makes me happy as well.”

Six things I’m currently into
☆ “Vegetarianism and [transitioning toward] Veganism, as well as other ways of eating and being that are more sustainable and kind.”
☆ “Gardening: learning what it takes to produce enough to be nourishing. And cooking: looking up new recipes, branching out, trying new things, figuring out what I really like in terms of food.”
☆ “Game of Thrones / A Song of Ice and Fire series.”
☆ “Finding and putting into practice methods for developing self-esteem and healthy coping mechanisms.”
☆ “Backpacking.”
☆ “My rewriting project: combining Halle’s chapters from Lost! and Snow into one big book, which will still be titled Snow. 19 chapters edited and mostly finalized, so only 19 more to go~. I should be finished by this weekend or next. It really just depends on how complicated achieving correct formatting becomes.”

Six things on my to-do list
☆ “Look up some sort of 30 day doodling challenge to motivate me to draw more often. Maybe something OTP-related, like prompts to draw them doing various [adorable, precious, and possibly oh-so-kinky] things.”
☆ “Laundry. I can’t believe how much I’ve let pile up on the bathroom floor. Disgraceful! Hahah~.”
☆ “Figure out calorie-dense / weight-gain-promoting meals I can eat without feeling fit to pop.”
☆ “Write in my Happiness Project One Sentence Journal.”
☆ “Finish reading the last few pages of A Storm of Swords.”
☆ “R-E-L-A-X.”

Ten things some people may or may not know about me
☆ “I am transgender.”
☆ “I recently quit smoking [cigarettes] again: I’ve gone approximately three weeks without one. I had around two months before, but I was like to hell with that and smoked for a week or two; then I was like no, I can’t do this; if I can’t do it for myself or my lungs, I better do it for my VOICE, so I did. Hopefully this time will stick, since it’s falling under the umbrella of a lot of other recovery / health efforts as well.”
☆ “Halle is my alter-ego. He is pieces of me—embellished, exaggerated… egotistical. I seem to channel all my worst habits, addictions, behaviors, yearnings, and character traits into him. We’re like two halves of a more cohesive, healthy whole.”
☆ “I was home-schooled for a year during high school.”
☆ “I actually really like the repetitive motion aspect of work—putting the little key-chains together, snapping things, etc. I can get ‘stuck’ doing stuff like that forever and not want to quit because I’ll want to do just. one. more. I should have realized sooner: it’s just like my obsessive exercise—except not destructive and way more productive!”
☆ “I hate naming things. Please don’t give me that responsibility. Ahh! /Hides.”
☆ “I can kind of do this weird hand / head stand wannabe yoga pose thing that’s kind of cool, and I can almost do the crow pose… for like a second.”
☆ “I don’t like to wear shorts, but I have no idea why… Hmm.”
☆ “Having people read my writing makes me super nervous, but drawing, photographing, or any other creative endeavor is almost entirely anxiety-free.”
☆ “Sometimes I feel like an extrovert trapped in an introvert’s existence.”

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Fri, 12 Apr 2013 21:50:16 -0400

4/12/13;

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 21:17:00 -0400

1. Have you ever punched a wall?
“No, I haven’t. I have headbutted a wall, however. There’s a little crater in my old bedroom. I’ve also slammed walls with the pinky sides of my fists, or open-palmed, but never proper punching.”

2. Does it bother you when fingernails scrape a chalkboard?
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard nails scrape against a chalkboard, actually. I’ve seen it in cartoons, but I have no idea what they recorded for the sound accompanying the motion—whether it was someone literally doing so, or whether it was produced some other way. It’s not a particularly pleasant sound, but I can think of several that would be much more bothersome.”

3. Do you have a landscaped yard?
“We have the remnants of a landscaped yard, I suppose. The grass in the front is mostly dead after a poor sod experience several years ago. Like, dead-dead. Not brown-dead, but grey-dead. The flower garden and the bushes on the side grow erratically. Weeds sprout in the rocks in the right season. The backyard is where things are more interesting, although not necessarily ‘landscaped,’ as we’ve got garden plots and lots of pathways, trellises for vines and such, several large trees, one toppled and worn one near the fire pit area, a deck, a table near the back, etc. Things are still kind of disorganized presently, but with the weather being warmer more often, I’m able to get out and do more work. It should be in really nice shape this summer.”

4. Do you meditate?
“I do. I sometimes find myself lapsing into it quite naturally. I had a thought earlier today about turning the living room into a yoga room. There’s basically only the old and cushion-less couch in there, and the computer desk and TV stand, but those are all against one wall; if we moved the couch to the other side, there would be a whole lot of room. A sea of carpet I could fall on, ahh!”

5. Do you always have to be right?
“No, don’t. I have a lot of cluttered, random feelings about this, though. Like, how I don’t necessarily want to be wrong either, but then I think ‘what’s so wrong about being wrong?’ Is the truth going to change any because I was mistaken? My misguided perspective doesn’t alter what really is, so it seems like it’s okay to be wrong about something, since I’ll learn what’s true eventually. Plus, I should know being wrong is nothing to be ashamed of. People can’t be right 100% of the time or perfectly informed about everything. Also, I think it would be more accurate to say that I have a need to be not necessarily right, but understood.”

6. What would you do if you had only 1 hour left to live?
“I’d probably send a certain someone a message and say sorry I hurt them in my incomplete and needy state. I’m sorry if I contributed to them feeling miserable or unwanted or unconsidered. I’m sorry if I gave them lasting wounds. It wasn’t my intention, but it might have been what happened all the same. I’d tell them that while there were a lot of things that went wrong between us, they also taught me a lot about a bunch of really important things—lessons I won’t forget, gifts I will always cherish. I just hope they can go forward and have a wonderful life, even if I’m not a part of it in the slightest. I want them to be okay. Like, really, really okay. Not the fabricated, glossy-eyed, barely functioning ‘okay,’ but the really good I can finally breathe easy and contentedly or oh my god life is beautiful ‘okay.’ I wish them everything—everything they’ve ever wanted. And I’d say I believe in them even though they might not believe me. Then I’d probably call my brother, tell him I love him and how I wish there was more time to hang out after we’d only just reconciled, but that it was great to be talking to him again. I’d tell him not to let mom get him down because things will change one day and he’ll be doing something really cool, living the way he wants. And Christopher, and some of my other friends—I’d message them as well, and tell them all what amazingly helpful and inspiring roles they’ve played in my life, and thank them for being there, and let them know what fantastic people they are. And then… well, I’d probably load a fat bowl, make a fresh pot of coffee, eat whatever I wanted, talk with my dad and tell him I love him, give him a hug, let him know all he’s done for me over the years, reminisce, grab my cats, cuddle them, and just… like, weep about how I’ll never finish A Song of Ice and Fire.”

8. Have you ever milked a cow?
“I have vague, fragmented memories about cow-milking at the State Fair, except I can’t remember if it was me or if I was just closely watching someone else. You’d think I’d remember if I’d grabbed an udder, though, right?”

9. Do you have any full spectrum light bulbs?
“I’m not sure what a full spectrum light bulb is.”

10. What is your favorite gemstone?
“I don’t really have a favorite. Aquamarine is my birthstone, though, and that’s rather pretty. I also like rose quartz, and—after looking through a list—I realize I used to have snowflake obsidian. …Oh! I think I found a rather suitable favorite for the meanwhile: larimar. It reminds me of clouds and crystal mountain lakes. It’s so pretty, oh my gosh.”

11. Have you danced by the light of the moon?
“I’ve done a lot of things by the light of the moon. I am a backpacker, after all.”

12. Do you think of age 50 as being old?
“I think oldness is a matter of mentality. At least… I hope it will be. I won’t know until I arrive at fifty, but I’m hoping I’ll still be young at heart. I don’t want an aging body to age my soul. I don’t think they have to grow simultaneously or parallel or linearly or whatever.”

13. Do you like almonds or cashews the best?
“That’s tough. Every time I think I’ve settled on one, I’m like—no, wait, maybe… no… AH!”

14. Would you buy an iMac computer?
“I seriously doubt it. I’m happy with the one I have, so unless it’s going to do something extraordinary that this computer doesn’t, I don’t see a reason to.”

15. Have you gone on many blind dates?
“I haven’t gone on any.”

16. Do you think same-sex marriage should be legal?
“I wait for the day when this is no longer a question. (Of course they should be legal.)”

17. Are you analytical?
“I’m curious and sometimes judgmental (although I try not to be the latter). I like to pry into things. I like to wonder about things. I don’t know if that’s precisely analytical, though.”

18. Do you tend to go with the flow, or wade upstream all by yourself?
“I am learning how to go with the flow, and it’s wonderful.”

19. When a stranger drops something, do you attempt to pick it up?
“If I’m nearby and it wouldn’t be totally weird for me to race over there and lend assistance, sure. I’m not shy about helping people with things like that.”

20. Has someone done something extra nice for you today?
“My dad’s made a fresh pot of coffee a couple of times.”

21. Are you a private person?
“I don’t know. I think I’m open until I feel too vulnerable, and then I end up wishing I was more private from the start, but… hmm.”

22. Name one thing you would never eat?
“Cotton balls. I don’t know how true it is, but I read somewhere that they could unravel in your stomach and intestines and begin squeezing off parts of your organs and eventually slice you up from the inside. Lovely!”

23. Did/do you have a crush on any of your teachers?
“Nothing serious, no. I thought Mr. Christiansen (health and gym teacher) was pretty cool, though, because he actually had a grasp of what people with eating disorders went through, that they were mental disorders like any other, deadly, etc, since he had a relative who suffered. It made me feel a lot more comfortable during that portion of the course.”

24. Do you think having sex in a car is uncomfortable?
“I’ve never had sex in a car, but it can’t be any more uncomfortable than some of the other places I’ve had sex. I mostly forget about minor discomforts when I’m involved in that activity, anyway. Like, my mind is totally ~elsewhere.”

25. Do you have any friends you are embarrassed to be seen with?
“No, I don’t. I feel like it would be weird to be embarrassed by people I called my friends. Like, if I was ashamed of them, they’d definitely deserve a better friend than me.”

26. Do you excite easily?
“I do.”

27. Do you think Winnie the Pooh is a stupid name?
“No, I don’t. I think it’s a whimsical name—and now I’m trying to figure out what it means, since it’s also kind of nonsensical. I wonder if there is any meaning behind it, or if it’s just kind of random.”

28. Do you drink and drive?
“No.”

29. Do you like to gamble?
“Not really, but I’ll sometimes enjoy card games related to gambling.”

30. Do you allow animals on your furniture?
“Yes, we do.”

31. Have you ever been lost in a bad part of a city?
“No.”

32. Do you live near your birthplace?
“My birthplace is in Louisiana, and I currently live in Colorado—so not all that near, no.”

33. Would you rather have mint or fruit flavored gum?
“Fruit-flavored. Or cinnamon, but that wasn’t one of the options.”

34. Do you use petroleum jelly?
“No.”

35. Do you have road rage?
“I have the Road Lackadaisicals. I can’t bring myself to give a shit. I’m just like ‘you all go right ahead and do whatever you’re gonna do; I’m just gonna plug along, get out of your way, do my thing~…’”

36. Who is more passive, your mother or father?
“My father. And it makes me feel bad because my mom just tramples him sometimes.”

37. Do you watch TOO MUCH football?
“No, I hardly watch any at all.”

38. Do you feel brain dead?
“I feel kind of ‘ehhhhhh’ because it’s just that time of day, but lately my mind’s been abuzz. I’ve felt very much the opposite of brain-dead.”

39. Are you more decisive or indecisive?
“I’m more indecisive—about the silliest, smallest things, too.”

40. Have you ever eaten grass?
“Yes, I have. My brother and I used to lie out in it and pick it and play the ‘boy or girl grass’ game, and sex was determined by whether or not the grass pulled up had a purplish (girl) or whitish (boy) root. Then we’d eat them. Hahah.”

41. When you hear the song “Puff the Magic Dragon” what do you think of?
“I first think LIVES BY THE SEA; and then I think of getting stoned.”

42. Are you more of a conservative or a liberal?
“I think I’m probably …a Hobbit, actually. (Can I move to a planet without political parties, please? Or can we abolish them in this world somehow?)”

43. Do you ever eat food right out of cans and jars instead of using plates or bowls?
“I do. I ate almond butter and chocolate hazelnut butter out of jars yesterday, using chocolate bunny grahams to scoop it out.”

44. Are you desperate for attention?
“Not as desperate as I used to be. However, everyone deserves attention! Isolation is a torture and it does terrible, warping, damaging things to people. Wanting or needing attention isn’t a bad thing. (Basically, I’m no longer so desperate because I feel like I’m getting [and *notice* I am getting] the necessary attention and care. I’m not floundering anymore. I feel heard.)”

45. Does your mind ever go blank?
“Yes. As still and silent as a lake—and then I feel like I reflect the sky.”

46. Have you ever gone swimming in a golf course pond?
“No.”

47. Have you ever trespassed on private property?
“I’ve gone into a house that was in the process of being built, out in the prairies where I used to ride bikes as a kid. Suburbia has really sprawled out over those places in the past ten or so years.”

48. Do you know anyone who lives under a bridge?
“No, I don’t.”

49. What smells worse than skunk spray?
“Cat piss.”

50. Do you have a washer and dryer?
“Yes.”

51. Have you ever met anyone interesting at a laundrymat?
“I’ve only been to a laundromat a few times, but no, I haven’t met anyone.”

52. Do you have any recurring dreams?
“I have constantly recurring themes and people, but they aren’t the same nightly. They’re actually very different for containing a lot of the same stuff. Last night’s was beautiful, though.”

53. Are you kind?
“I want to be.”

54. Are you fair?
“I’m trying.”

55. Would you give a needy person the shirt off your back?
“I don’t know if they’d want a little pink shirt, but I’d give them something, yes.”

56. Do you ever ride a bike instead of taking a car?
“I used to ride my bike or walk to the mall when I used to play DDR with everyone at the Tilt all the time, but I don’t really anymore. I should get into walking to Vitamin Cottage when I get physically better, though. It’d help get me in shape for backpacking as well.”

57. Does the sight of blood make you feel queasy?
“No. Blood (and innards, etc) doesn’t really bother me at all. It’s actually rather pretty. Like, the inner workings of the body aren’t disgusting. They’re neat. They have similar patterns to trees and stars and galaxies—so how could that ever be gross?”

58. Would you rather be a plumber or a circus freak?
“Um.”

59. Do animals have emotional lives?
“Of course. You would have to be very unobservant to believe otherwise.”

60. Have you ever been slashed with a knife… If so who did it?
“I have. I did it to myself.”

Photo

Fri, 12 Apr 2013 21:00:00 -0400

4/8/13;

Mon, 08 Apr 2013 22:36:00 -0400

How far away from New York City do you live?
“1,784.4 miles, and travel time would be 1 day 3 hours—although, honestly, I can’t imagine why I’d want to drive that distance straight through. Realistically, if I ever went north-east again, it’d probably take me something like two and a half days, including rest stops and overnight stops, as that’s what it took when I went to Warren, Pennsylvania as a teen, and that’s only a few hours away from NYC.”

Have you ever felt like you were being two-timed?
“Yes, I have felt as such. However, when I approached him about the matter, giving examples of situations I felt were suspicious or led me to feel mistrustful, he acted affronted, almost like what audacity I must have had to even question his loyalty. Except I had every reason to—as I later found out he had indeed been cheating, and had done so multiple times before I was finally given even a kernel of the truth. Of course, looking back, I should have left at the first hint of a warning sign—it would have saved me a lot of mental damage that didn’t end at unfaithfulness—but I was naive and knew no better and thought he’d love only me if only I somehow made myself worthy.”

Who’s the last person to give you a hug?
“The last person to give me a hug was my dad.”

What’s your favorite time of day?
“My favorite time of day is morning, generally not long after I’ve gotten up. Depending on what my dreams were like, I enjoy feeling as though I’m still half-dispersed, still living in a shimmering mirror world. I also enjoy anticipating a warm shower and hot coffee, and sitting down to my dashboard or Word to work on Snow. And the way the light infuses my room is very cheering, calming, soft… It just all feels very nice. I also like late nights, right before bed. I tend to read then, so I can be assured of immersion in some fantastical realm.”

If you could see any band in concert, who would it be?
“Kent, Radiohead, or Sigur Rós.”

What song always makes you happier when you’re sad?
“Always by Erasure. Or that Double Rainbow song. Really, though, no song will always make me happy when I’m sad: if it were that simple, I’d just put it on repeat and hope I was never far away from batteries or electricity. But there are some that give me consolation or hope, and some are just plain silly, so they make me smile or laugh. If my current issues are too bright or heavy or overwhelming, however, no song will get through.”

Anything that you’re looking forward to?
“I’m looking forward to seeing if the friend requests I sent on Facebook will be accepted. I found out the other day while having coffee with my brother that someone I used to be pretty good friends with asked how I was doing and told him to tell me hi; he’d said he’d added her on Facebook, so I decided to kind of ‘revive’ mine and take a chance and add a few people I used to know as well, yet had drifted away from on harmless terms. (Like, people it wouldn’t be too terribly uncomfortable to encounter in public, ahaha.) I’m also looking forward to working on my pen pal letters. I decided I’m going to make myself sit down and start writing tomorrow, since nothing conquers anxiety like action, it seems. I know that once I get started, I’ll be happy as can be thinking of all the different things to say, ask, etc. Maybe I’ll go out to Hobby Lobby in the afternoon and get some stickers. If I do, do you know what that’ll mean? It’ll mean that I will have gone out almost every day during the past 7-10 days. And, when you consider how much time I used to spend hibernating at home, fearful and exhausted, that’s pretty fucking amazing if I do say so myself. I’m proud. Lastly, I’m looking forward to settling down to reading and eating after I finish with this survey and get through one last scroll of my dash.”

Have you ever thought about suicide?
“I have. I spent the past few months in a prolonged suicide attempt, essentially. And, if I’m perfectly honest, I still haven’t bounced back entirely. I still think of continuing with it, or of keeping myself ill so I can quickly get worse if I need to, if I feel like I just can’t keep going. I’m much more hopeful than I used to be and I’m pointed in the right direction, but it’s still very difficult, and I imagine it will be for some while. These disorders are hell, but I’m doing my best not to succumb and to trust that they can be decreased, managed, or overcome.”

When’s the last time you laughed really hard?
“I don’t remember. I know I’ve chuckled here and there, or half-laughed, but I don’t remember the last time I had one of those ‘god help me I can’t breathe’ kind of laughs.”

Do you know anyone named Maria?
“Not personally, no.”

Have you lost a friendship & then later regained it?
“Never fully. I’ve lost friendships and drifted away from people, then reunited to some extent, but the feelings were never what they used to be. (This almost makes me realize the futility of my efforts to reconnect with those past friends I mentioned above, but, ahh! I would wonder if I didn’t at least try. And, even though it might hurt to be rejected, it’s not like I wouldn’t be tempted to do the same if the roles were reversed. We’re of different worlds now, so I would understand.)”

What do you think of emo boys / girls?
“I don’t think one way or another about ‘emo’ people.”

What was your first job?
“Pueblo Diversified is my first job. I’ve had odd jobs before—cleaning on weekends for a synagogue my dad used to attend, as well as web-designing and doing CSA work for a Rabbi—but this is my first job with, like, a real paycheck and everything.”

Is there wallpaper anywhere in your house?
“Yes. There are two walls with wallpaper: one wall in the living room, and one wall in the master bedroom. They’re both very pale, subtle, with depictions of flowers and birds and ornamental-looking swirls.”

Have you ever been in love?
“I think so—or something close to it. ‘They’ say you’ll know when you are, so maybe I haven’t been. Or maybe I’m diminishing the importance of past situations. I don’t know. I’ve felt very strongly about people, but I can’t be entirely certain it was love. Sometimes it was very near to hate.”

Name one thing you’d like to do right now?
“Eat. And I will, very shortly.”

What is your favorite topping for ice cream?
“Chocolate chips or toffee crumbles.”

Have you seen Twilight?
“I have, yes.”

Are you an argumentative person?
“No, I don’t think I’m a particularly argumentative person. I can get easily flustered or frustrated while trying to explain (how I feel about / in) situations which are sensitive to me, and it makes me very jskdfjsak when I can’t get people to see things from my angle, so sometimes I get verbally harsh because I have the false belief that if I just act mean enough, people will understand where I’m coming from. It’s the same poor logic as raising your voice to someone who speaks a foreign language in the hope that yelling will make you more comprehensible, when, really, all you’re doing is scaring people.”

What stereotype are you?
“I have no idea.”

Do you own any animals?
“We have three cats.”

Would you ever name your son Halen?
“I don’t plan on having children, but no, Halen isn’t a name I would consider.”

Do you know who Jack Johnson is?
“I do, yes.”

Do happy endings exist in your world?
“I’m not so sure ‘endings’ exist in my world. It’s more like cycles than anything else. Everything sort of seeps into everything else, like the way the seasons turn. Nothing ends, nothing begins. There is only change.”

Did you know that toothpaste removes crayon from walls?
“I did not.”

Do you work for what you want or is it given to you?
“It’s some combination of both. There are things for which I work, for which I personally put forth the effort, and there are things that come my way just because I exist and it’s inevitable, or because I still need help learning how to acquire those things on my own.”

What do you think about country music?
“I think it’s kind of nice in a general way. Like, I like to listen to it while driving down wooded roads or while traveling cross-country, but I don’t know many artists or songs by name. It’s more the particular sound and attitude I like about it. Twangy mournfulness, unfolding stories, rich voices, nostalgia, etc. It’s the genre I like, and that’s a bit of a difficult thing to explain, hahah.”

What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through?
“I don’t even know.”

Do you own a webcam?
“I do.”

Photo

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 14:35:43 -0400

4/7/13;

Sun, 07 Apr 2013 14:29:00 -0400

[ brand new day | @x__surveysforyou ]

1. When’s the last time you wanted to be left alone? Why?
“I’m actually not entirely sure. I know the last time I needed to have a moment to myself to think without any sort of interruption was a couple of evenings ago, though: I was attempting to reason through irrational thoughts so as to be able to have a take-out meal I genuinely wanted and was hungry for—and I eventually ended up getting it, so: go me. Also, yesterday, while I didn’t really want to be left alone exactly, I was a bit stressed out about the time and location confusion concerning meeting my brother and his boyfriend at The Daily Grind. There was some phone-tag between him and dad, and it seemed like my brother was getting frustrated with the miscommunication, and I felt unnecessarily guilty and scared he’d be grumpy, and, ahh!—I guess I just needed a moment to bundle up my nerves and stuff them away, but I couldn’t have that moment without making us even more late and frustrated, so I did my best to just swallow the feelings and enjoy the music and cherry blossoms as I walked from the car to the coffee shop. Thankfully, looking at spring’s beauty and appreciating the downtown atmosphere was just enough to soothe me before reaching the building.”

2. Do you ever randomly think of things you used to enjoy but no longer do?
“Sure, sometimes. Usually, it’s because someone else has made a mention of it, and I’m struck by how long it’s been since I’ve participated in a certain activity. Role-playing is something I don’t really do anymore, although not necessarily because I no longer wish to. I just haven’t found another opportunity or group or character that feels right and fitting. I’ve also grown somewhat self-conscious about setting up interesting enough character interactions. And there are other things like Dance Dance Revolution and Maple Story, which I am pretty sure I would still enjoy if I were motivated enough to revive those hobbies (or had someone to play with!). I’ve just got so many other little passions / tasks / chores / projects / pleasures I wish to complete or partake in during a day, so it’s difficult to keep a consistent schedule full of favorites.”

3. Has anyone done something for/to you recently that was completely unexpected?
“It wasn’t all that recently, but the next work day following my birthday, I received a card from staff at Pueblo Diversified. I wasn’t expecting them to acknowledge the day whatsoever, but they handed me the card in front of everyone and even sang to me. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and it made my morning a lot better, as I’d initially shown up feeling sad, nervous, and unlikable.”

4. When’s the last time you were sweating excessively?
“I had a lot of drenching cold sweats over the winter. I’d wake feeling soaked and anxious and shivering, sick with nerves and generally dreading having to face the day. I’m really glad those have mostly gone away. I still get a little sweaty when scared or anticipating something, but I don’t seem to experience the full-blown pervasive clammy-coldness to the same extent I did during those circumstances.”

5. Are there any slang words or abbreviations that really bother you? How about any that you like using?
“I can’t think of any off of the top of my head. Generally, no word or abbreviation is going to bother me unless it’s somehow hurtful. Anything else will hardly cross my mind for judgement. As for ones I like using, I do seem to sneak in an omg into my typing from time to time.”

6. How often do you feel hypocritical?
“Um, rarely, I suppose, but that might be because I don’t define hypocrisy as lightly or in the same way as some people tend to. For instance, I don’t consider someone a ‘hypocrite’ for struggling with something (say an addiction or disorder or any other hardship) and giving good advice they can’t yet follow themselves. That, to me, is not hypocrisy. That’s understanding how your habits differ from the ideal; that’s doing the best you can; that’s hoping your words might steer someone away from the same track. Even when people say things like ‘you shouldn’t judge others,’ yet they wind up judging someone: I don’t view that as hypocrisy either. Like, I don’t know, I just feel like the offense has to run so much deeper than the mistakes we all make.”

7. What is a current goal you’re trying to achieve?
“Oh, so many. So, so many. I feel like I’m finally starting to turn my life around, so I have a whole list of goals I wish to achieve. Lately, I’ve been trying to find solutions to things like supporting myself financially (which has started with Pueblo Diversified and will hopefully expand from there), learning life skills I didn’t pick up along the way (which seems to be most of them, goodness), social skills (which I guess I’ve been improving upon by talking to people who talk to me at work, making an effort to initiate conversations [generally only online as far as that’s concerned], starting up a pen pal letter exchange with a couple of people, and getting more comfortable with expressing my opinions / needs / desires—without embarrassment), feeling dependent or feeling incapable of taking care of myself alone, etc. I’m also hoping, as part of a broader and more complex recovery process, to bring my eating habits within a normal, sustainable range—and hopefully gain some weight so I can safely and comfortably go hiking and backpacking to my heart’s content this summer. As far as projects go, I’m still in the midst of rewriting Snow, so I’m trying to maintain consistency there so it actually gets done. I’m so close to being finished, so this is a strange time to slack off so superbly. Still, once I start working, I wonder what all the fuss and reluctance was about.”

8. Is there something that you thought you would’ve outgrown/gotten over by now, but haven’t?
“There are a lot of games I thought I would’ve outgrown by now, but it seems like my interest remains about the same (Rock Band, etc). I also imagined I’d outgrow surveys or feel too weird taking them after reaching a certain age, but that never seemed to become the case, despite disappearing a couple times. Same with blogging on Tumblr. And there are people I thought I’d be more ‘over’ by now, but I suppose letting go is a somewhat tangled timeline.”

9. Do you ever feel the need to change yourself, whether it be for yourself or for other people?
“Yes, I have felt that way—for both reasons. I sometimes feel compelled to suppress myself around certain people, or pretend like certain aspects of my identity don’t exist. However, lately, I’m trying to change myself for what I hope are the right reasons, and because I truly think such improvements will only enrich my existence.”

10. If you play/have ever played Sims, what is/was your favorite aspect of the game?
“I’ve only ever watched someone else play, and it wasn’t for terribly long, but I liked the customization factor, and I liked that you could create a Sim that would at least resemble the character or person you were trying to portray. I also just liked watching them go about their lives day after day. There’s something very calming about repetitive games.”

11. If you have one, would you ever deactivate/delete your Facebook? If you don’t, would you ever make an account?
“I have a Facebook account, but I hardly ever use it. I just logged in last night after weeks and weeks of leaving it alone, and that was just to upload various photos from 2013. I don’t know if I’d ever delete my account, but not because I’m particularly attached to it. It’d just be a lot less effort to leave it where it was, since it’s not like it’s got anything private on it.”

12. What is something that you’ve given up hope for ever being good at?
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’d be anything I actually want to be good at, though. I think I still have hope for those things.”

13. Can you identify your favorite food by smell?
“Not all of my favorite foods have particularly strong smells, but those that do—definitely.”

14. Do you think there are situations where it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself?
“I do, yes—or I at least think it’s important to recognize that there are certain situations in which your opinion won’t matter to or be relevant to those immediately involved, and that people should be careful when making ‘should’ statements regarding situations about which they aren’t well informed. Basically, if your words have the potential to do more harm than good, or muddle an already complicated situation, it’d be best to keep your opinion out of the chaos.”

15. Is there something many people think is funny, but you don’t? What?
“Probably. Nothing specific is springing to mind, though. I’m also not sure just how many people we’re talking about here. Like, I don’t find inside jokes referencing fandoms, shows, etc, with which I’m unfamiliar to be funny because I don’t have the background to understand why they would be amusing. But I can’t think of any well-known harmless joke I feel just plain isn’t funny whatsoever.”

16. How often do you talk to yourself?
“Inside my head, do you mean? Or out loud? If I’m not thoroughly caught up in something (like reading a book or some other activity that suspends my own thoughts) I’m almost always holding some sort of inner ‘dialogue’ or conversation with myself or the characters who take up residence within that realm. As for out loud, I don’t do so all that often, but sometimes I’ll be like, ‘ah, shit, I forgot to grab the _______ all the way upstairs,’ or ‘wow, I’m exhausted,’ or whatever might be right on the tip of my thoughts / tip of my tongue.”

17. Do you like water ice? What’s your favorite flavor?
“Water ice. So… just… ice? Are you talking about a snow-cone or maybe Italian ice or… I don’t know. I used to get lemon-flavored Italian ice pops in the hospital sometimes, and those were good. I haven’t tried many varieties of flavored ice, though. Just the rare snow-cone from the ice cream truck, that’s all.”

18. How often do you “draw a blank” mentally?
“Multiple times per day. My thoughts go absolutely still—and sometimes refuse to start for a while.”

19. Have you ever felt like “the joke’s on you”?
“I’m sure I’ve felt that way at some point, either in dry amusement or because I actually felt like the butt of a joke.”

20. Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?
“No, I don’t think so. Up until recently, I’ve never been very (outwardly) emotionally moved by films, and many of them, even those that were meaningful and intense, left me feeling more disconnected and bored and restless than attached or touched or emotionally involved. I guess I’m making up for that now, though, since I can hardly watch a decent movie without the littlest things feeling like they’re going to affect me or stick with me forever. Between 2012 and now, I’ve teared up or sniffled or had *feelings* about films that went well beyond what I’m used to having.”

21. Are you ever creeped out by the internet?
“Not… really. I mean, there are times when I think about how vast it is and how it’s like its own little universe or planet or ecosystem with everything that goes on with it, and all the possibilities—good and bad and otherwise, but it’s not something I’d say legitimately creeps me out. It’s more like …whoa. A sense of awe that something could become so immense.”

22. What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?
“It’s more about how tired I feel and less about the time. If I’m sleepy, I’ll sleep. I don’t care what the clock says.”

Photo

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 23:30:29 -0400

4/6/13;

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 11:08:00 -0400

1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
“I don’t pay my own bills at present. I’m not even certain I have any that fall to me specifically, although there are services and expenses I use and accumulate jointly with family, such as internet, Netflix, car-gas, etc. I have no cell phone, I’m not attending school, I avoid the doctor, dentist, and most other medical facilities like the plague and basically rely on over the counter medications and alternative methods to meet my needs: my expenses are limited. I do, however, contribute to things like food, and I have a little money for my own needs, clothes, hobbies, and things of that nature.”

2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
“The last—and only—place I’ve had a romantic dinner would be Cactus Flower, with Nick, something like four or five years ago. He wanted to take me there as a Valentine’s Day surprise, but he had a family emergency and couldn’t make it on the day-of. He felt so bad and apologized so much, but I wasn’t upset at all—not for selfish reasons, anyway: I just didn’t want him to feel guilty, since it was tearing me up that he was beating himself up over something he couldn’t control. We had a nice dinner at home instead. And, a month or so later, we eventually had our Cactus Flower date. I got the kid’s dinosaur nuggets. Very sophisticated.”

3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
“It would feel strange to say I regret an action that no longer means much of anything to me today, but if I were in that moment again, and knew then what I know now about the type of person that ex would be and how he would treat me, I wouldn’t have had sex or any sort of relationship with him at all.”

4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
“It’s just… I find it somewhat amusing how I can often regard my past so critically, yet when it comes to questions like this, questions that offer up a chance to change something or amend a regret, I balk. It’s like I’d rather stick with what I’ve experienced than try to alter one thing and send the whole structure crashing down. After all, who knows where I’d be now if not for this or that decision, experience, or encounter. Perhaps somewhere better, yes. But perhaps I’d be somehow worse off instead. The endless possibilities make me cling to my own life dearly. As far as small things, though, I’d have climbed completely to the top of Quandary Peak. I was almost there, the summit was so touchably close, but I wasn’t sure I’d have the energy to climb down if I climbed up, so I made the decision to turn back and save my strength. I knew heights-wise I could do it, so it didn’t feel like too much of a disappointment, but… this summer: I must return and finish what I started.”

5. Name of your first grade teacher?
“My first grade teacher was Mrs. Haley, and she was one of the sweetest teachers I’d ever had. I remember we ‘dissected’ a computer at one point: we were told to take apart as much as we could, so we did; the ~plot twist~ was that we had to try to put it back together afterward, and the kids that did the best ended up with some small prize. I don’t remember who won, but that afternoon was a lot of fun. Elementary school in general was fun—even if I cried before going on an almost morningly basis, hahah.”

6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
“Oh, if the weather were warmer and the sun were shining brightly, I’d love to be out at Goodwin Lake, perhaps sleeping on the soft mossy grass near the shore, slightly shaded by boughs of a nearby pine, or perhaps curled betwixt its roots, feeling embraced and earthen.”

7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
“I said I wanted to be a veterinarian. I don’t know what I really wanted, though. I loved animals—that much was indisputable—but I knew I lacked the capacity to stay levelheaded while they were in pain. Rather than being able to help them, I’d dissolve into a useless puddle. Even just the sound of a hurt animal makes me want to cover my ears and cry. I think I honestly just wanted to be a magical orb of energy, a prince, a space traveler, an alien, a faerie, a wanderer, a dandelion, a wish, a boy on an impossible quest—a boy made of stars.”

8. How many colleges did you attend?
“I attended a community college several years back, but found, under the circumstances, I wasn’t capable of keeping up with the workload. After two very messed up, strenuous semesters, I had to stop going. I could tolerate it no further. With things as they are now, I doubt I’ll ever return to school, but—who knows. Stranger and more unlikely things have occurred. Dad mentioned something about auditing classes, which would mean I could take them without the fear of a failing grade, but… I don’t know. I think I’d rather look for other kinds of classes either online or around the city, things about cooking and gardening and vegetarianism or veganism, hiking groups, and other things that would get me out and involved within the community. Rather than school, I think those things would benefit me better.”

9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
“Ahaha, it’s that rehab is for quitters shirt I mentioned in one of yesterday’s surveys as being one of the only things in my clean clothes hamper. I chose it because it was clean, first of all, and because it was also really hot upstairs: I wanted something baggy and flowing and non-restrictive. It was weird to have to remove layers for once, since normally I’m trying to bundle up as much as possible to combat against persistent cold.”

10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
“Since I don’t drive presently and can’t compare my gas expenses to my work profits or other expenses, it’s difficult to have any real, educated thoughts on the matter.”

11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would it be?
“Anywhere, wow. I’ve been developing an interest in Iceland. It would feel like a dream to be able to live there, or Norway or Sweden. But, more realistically, somewhere like Leadville, Colorado would be very much to my tastes. I also have a feeling I would like Montana if I lived near mountains like I do here, or some small town in the forests of New York or Pennsylvania, such as Warren, where I spent a summer with friends of the family. As for the person I’d take with me, that’d be my dad.”

12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
“I don’t use an alarm. My first few thoughts after waking were related to how early it was, yet how surprisingly alert I felt after getting only two hours of sleep the night before that one, and staying up rather late last night as well. It seems I’m requiring less sleep. Or wanting it less: recently, I haven’t been so inclined to remain in bed; I want to get up and start the day—which is nice, since I’ve felt that all too infrequently over the past few months. I also thought about how I was relieved I wasn’t so full anymore. I was hungry last night and made the decision to eat a big meal (which I have to remind myself was a good thing, not a bad one by any means! [My body needs the bulk nourishment whenever I’m able to have it, after all.]) and I ate to the point where I was kind of uncomfortably full, but. Blah. Today is today, and I’m not going to let irrational feelings stop me from continuing forward.”

13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
“Dear Lord, don’t let me pop~. (No, I don’t know.) It was probably a mix of thoughts about life, the upcoming day (going to The Daily Grind), people, food, books (especially asoiaf because I’ve been reading it before bedtime almost nightly—AND SANDOR CLEGANE AND LORD BERIC WERE IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. [Weird.]), my overnight oats sitting in the refridgerator, Halle and company; bunches of stuff.”

14. Favorite underwear?
“I don’t have a favorite pair of underwear. They’re all basically the same except for color differences—which don’t matter because I’ve got pants on over them 99% of the time.”

16. What errand/chore do you despise?
“I don’t really despise any chore or errand. I don’t necessarily like doing dishes, but I find it’s alright once I get started and stop thinking about it. And cleaning the bathrooms or moping or wiping the counters is fine, vacuuming is fine and pretty effortless, as is dusting. And I actually enjoy going to the grocery store, so that’s more like an outing than an errand, especially if I’m getting ingredients to make a new meal I wish to try: then it’s kind of exciting. And cleaning my room, while I sometimes put it off (although it never gets that cluttered anymore—so that’s good), is usually a rewarding task, as well as one during which I can poke through drawers and look at old diaries, art, papers, crafts, etc.”

17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
“You know, perhaps I should look into volunteering again. I don’t know what’s feasible based on how things are with me now, what places could accommodate my needs as well, but I’m sure there’s something I could do—even if it’s just baking bread loaves for the Wayside Cross every weekend like I did that one summer.”

18. Get up early or sleep in?
“It depends very highly on how I’m feeling. Either one could be lovely or torturous if incorrectly applied. Sleeping in—or just lying there—would be painful if I were restless, and not getting enough sleep would be disastrous if I were exhausted (little sleep on top of the eating routines I’m still working to normalize would probably turn me into a very cranky fellow).”

19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
“Would anime characters count? There’s Mitarai Kiyoshi from Yu Yu Hakusho, Ryou Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh, Belphegor from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Ritsuka from Loveless, Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cyrus from Yu-Gi-Oh GT, Feliciano and Lovino and Matthew and Gilbert and Tino and Berwald from Hetalia, and… oops, I almost slipped into naming book / show / film characters as well. But I think that’s about it as far as cartoon favorites go. There are others I like, but I have to draw the line of fondness somewhere I guess!”

20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
“It would be lovely to cuddle and stargaze with a hypothetical partner—perhaps while out in the woods, sitting near a cozy campfire. Or at home, beneath blankets, everything drawn up close and warm and safe.”

21. Have you found real love yet?
“I have people in my life who love and care about me very much, so I have found it in that sense. I hope you aren’t suggesting the only ‘real love’ is romantic love, hahah. All forms of love are real and important.”

22. When did you first start feeling old?
“I started feeling ‘old’ between the ages of 19 and 23. Then, suddenly, the feeling reversed and I began feeling young and childlike again. I think I only felt old because I had the perception of falling behind. Once I let go of that, the false feeling of oldness diminished. Now, as long as I maintain (or improve upon) my same general attitude and situation, I don’t think I’ll ever feel anything more than youthful, even when my body ages and weakens. Plus, I have plans to be an adorable old person, so!”

23. Favorite 80’s movie?
“I don’t have a favorite 80’s film.”

24. Your favorite lunch meat?
“I don’t really have a favorite lunch meat. I was thinking just last night that vegetarian sausage patties on cinnamon raisin bagels were probably some of my favorite things to eat ever, though. I don’t know what it is about the combination of flavors, but—yum.”

25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
“I’ve never been to a Costco before.”

26. Beach or lake?
“Both sound fairly nice, so long as they’re relatively secluded.”

27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
“I don’t think I’d say it’s an outdated ritual—since it’s still an important thing to many people—but it feels sort of… outside my circle of experiences and expectations? Like, it’s such an abstract concept to me lately, the idea of binding myself to someone legally and staying with them for life; and, especially after seeing my parents go through their divorce, I’m wary of joining my existence with someone so thoroughly that I’d have to have it legally unbound before I could truly get away from them. It’s one thing when you can literally just walk away, but I don’t ever want to accidentally end up ‘stuck’ with someone who hurts me or does something to seriously exacerbate my mental issues. Even being on the sidelines for the divorce was yucky, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be in the marriage, to be the one stuck. Ugh, it makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.”

28. Do you own property?
“No, I don’t.”

29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
“You know, I think I’m done assuming guilt should accompany pleasure, especially when none of my pleasures really harm anything.”

30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
“There is no such film. I’m pretty sure every movie I like is fairly well-known.”

31. What’s your drink?
“Coffee and water are what I drink most of.”

32. Cowboys or Indians?
“/Immediately gets a certain Bon Jovi song stuck in my head.”

33. Cops or Robbers?
“Glub-glub.”

34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
“Err, I’m not sure I would want to run into anyone I knew from high school. I wasn’t especially close with any school friends; and I don’t know how I’d feel about running into people I knew outside of school, yet around that same time-frame (card tournament friends, etc). It’d be awkward. We might not even talk. Or we’d stammer and try to come up with things to say. Not worth it. Not like we’d be friends again just because we figuratively bumped into each other, so best act like the other doesn’t exist! /Pulls into hermit-crab shell and hides.”

35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
“It’s tuned into a talk show station to which my dad listens.”

36. Norm or Cliff?
“These names mean nothing to me.”

37. ‘The Cosby Show’ or ‘The Simpsons’?
“I’ve only seen a few episodes of either show, so, really, neither.”

38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
“What happened, happened. I have to come to terms with that, since no amount of wishing things were different solves anything for anyone.

39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
“I don’t sit directly across from the same person every time I go in, nor do I really even know anyone yet beyond general introductions. There are a lot of people in the room, too, something like 20-30, and we don’t have much opportunity to talk to those who are all the way across the table-square: you’d have to raise your voice over the noise and chatter just to be heard.”

40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
“Ah, I don’t know. I’m not a very conversational dinner date, and I’m not all that interested in many famous people. Not to the point where I feel I could comfortably have a meal with them, anyway.”

41. Indoors or Outdoors?
“Now that the weather is growing nicer—outdoors, please! (*´▽｀*) I can’t wait until there’s more to do around the garden.”

42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
“No, I haven’t.”

43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
“‘No, I haven’t. I wonder if I’d be able to figure it out. Or lift it.”

44. Last book you read?
“The last book I finished was A Clash of Kings, but the last one I read from was A Storm of Swords.”

h4ilsham: Ice blue Arctic giant © Rob Watkins 2011 (by Aland...

Sat, 06 Apr 2013 10:47:23 -0400

h4ilsham:

Ice blue Arctic giant © Rob Watkins 2011 (by Aland Rob)

4/5/13;

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 18:10:00 -0400

Name something you are doing tonight?
“I’ll probably spend the majority of the evening online, either filling out surveys (it feels like it takes forever to complete them now; I used to have more momentum or ready responses or something; now I feel like I’m spending ages on every answer), watching anime (Neon Genesis Evangelion) (Already protective of Shinji. How did I not predict this? …Wait …I did predict this? Oh… well, then), or scrolling through my Tumblr dashboard. At some point, probably around 8-9PM, I’ll have my nighttime snack and read more from A Storm of Swords. I’m almost halfway through. Fearing the end of the series now, honestly. I don’t want to leave this realm.”

Are you attracted to the last person that kissed you?
“I still think they’re a good-looking being, yes—so I suppose I’m attracted to them in that sense—although, honestly, physical attraction has never been a primary need of mine when it comes to relationships. It’s all but irrelevant. You don’t need to look a certain way for me to [fall in] love [with] you. That’s just not how my mind (or body) works. In terms of emotional and mental attachments, I no longer feel so fondly tethered. There are threads that linger, poignant memories out of context, stupid things that keep me holding on, but it’s not so much attraction as it is passing through the murky, sometimes circular, repetitive, and confusing stages of letting go. One day, hopefully, I won’t have to think about them so much. One day, hopefully, every remnant of regret or ‘what if’ will be gone.”

To who did you last give the finger to?
“I have no idea. The finger isn’t something I think to give to anyone—in rage, jokingly, sarcastically, suggestively, or otherwise.”

Do you think you’re old?
“No. I don’t. If anything, I still feel very young—much younger than what I am. It’s like I’m stuck permanently within a childlike (although not necessarily childish) mentality. I can only ‘mature’ so far before I reach a wall and it starts to feel really foreign and uncharacteristic and wrong, like I’m losing or killing an important part of myself. I have a feeling I’m going to feel this young—or close to it—for my entire life. A soul ages so much slower than a body, it seems.”

Are you a jealous person?
“Yes, I think I am, or can be. However, I think my jealousy has more to do with fearing for aspects of my future (i.e. stagnating and remaining dependent while others move on and succeed and accomplish their dreams; falling far, far behind) than begrudging them their accomplishments. I want other people to be happy and do well and do great things. It makes me feel glad when they do. And, now that I’ve truly set out on a path toward my own happiness, it’s much easier to be genuinely happy for other people, without the rising bile of my own failures.”

Where have you lived throughout your life?
“I was born in Louisiana; we lived in California for a few months when I was just a baby, then we moved back to Louisiana; when I was four and a half, we moved to our current house in Colorado; my parents separated when I was fourteen, and I went to live with my mom in an apartment, followed by one duplex, then another; I eventually moved back in with my dad after switching back-and-forth between locations for some while.”

What were you doing an hour ago?
“I was either online or outside with the cats.”

If you could seek revenge on someone, would you?
“No, I wouldn’t. I’m not the type to feel satisfied with revenge. It really does just make me feel like shit.”

What’s the greatest thing that happened to you today?
“Um, I got a cute “galaxy mix” of pretzels / chocolate / candy / etc, from Vitamin Cottage, I took two showers, I had a relatively easy to cure headache (odd to be grateful for that, sure, but it could have been a persistent, pervasive one), it was really warm and nice out, I found some tasty rice and bean chips, I talked to two of my friends, I read, I held a ladybug…”

Do you ever think “what if” about anything?
“Of course, but not always so destructively. Sometimes, I think ‘what if’ about all my future and immediate possibilities: what if I tried this, what if I did that, and so on and so forth. It helps me be creative and imagine a good life for myself. Depending on how I use the power of ‘what if,’ it can get me stuck OR unstuck.”

Has anyone said they love you in the last week?
“Yes.”

Does any part of your body hurt right now?
“No, not really. There are things that are vaguely sore, but nothing plainly hurts.”

Did anyone see you kiss the last person you kissed?
“No, no one saw.”

How long was your last really long phone call?
“I don’t even really remember my last phone call, but it wouldn’t have been more than a few minutes. I haven’t had a notably lengthy phone conversation in years.”

How many people do you not get along with?
“I’m not sure. It would be hard to state an exact number. The people I don’t get along with don’t play much of a part in my life, though, so I guess, in a way, it’s zero—as long as we don’t have to coexist. And, really, sometimes getting along can take the form of realizing you don’t get along—so you can somewhat peacefully go your separate ways before it becomes a cataclysmic separation.”

Are you afraid of roller coasters?
“I get a tiny bit nervous before going on them, but I wouldn’t say I’m afraid. I tend to find them thrilling.”

When was the last time you saw your dad?
“I last saw my dad approximately thirty minutes ago—just before he left for Kuan’s Kitchen.”

Have you kissed more than 10 people this year?
“No. I’ve kissed only one this year.”

Did your last kiss take place on a bed?
“It did, yes. It was a forehead kiss—from me to them.”

Do you dislike anyone right now?
“I don’t actively dislike anyone, no, but there are those for whom I have mixed or complicated feelings.”

Are you a vegetarian?
“I am, yes.”

What does your hair look like right now?
“Fluffy and blond—like it typically looks.”

Are you wearing any clothes that don’t belong to you?
“No, I am not.”

Has someone ever made you a promise and broke it?
“Sure. But, you know what, it’s helped me learn what promises people can keep, and which they can’t. I know better now than to hold people to certain words or proclamations because I know they’re unrealistic, and I know people don’t often realize just what they’re saying.”

Anything good happening tomorrow?
“I’m going to The Daily Grind with my dad, brother, and my brother’s boyfriend—which should be a pleasant time. I’m actually at a place with my disorders where I don’t feel like eating is going to present too much of an issue, so I’m glad for that. It should also just be a generally nice day. Hopefully more springy, short-sleeve weather, too.”

Has anyone ever drunk called/texted you?
“Nick’s called me while somewhat drunk, but I wouldn’t have called it drunk calling, necessarily. I feel like there’s a difference between the two, but I don’t really feel like explaining myself.”

What hoodie did you wear last?
“A pink and grey Care Bears hoodie. I’m wearing it presently.”

Do you think someone is thinking about you right now?
“It’s possible someone might be.”

Have you ever had a serious conversation with your dad?
“I’ve had a lot of serious conversations with my dad. A lot of non-serious ones as well.”

neutralbeauty: by

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 18:03:49 -0400

neutralbeauty:

by

4/5/13;

Fri, 05 Apr 2013 09:34:00 -0400

[Survey by: givenntofly | xanga.]

What would you say is your biggest insecurity? Does it affect your day-to-day life?
“One of my biggest insecurities involves how I relate to and interact with other people. I tend to believe myself boring, redundant, stiff, placating, unintentionally irritating, and oftentimes unable to articulate what I really mean. It’s affected my day-to-day living for as long as I can remember: I almost never approach others first or initiate conversation, even with people I know reasonably well. I’m 24, yet I still sometimes need my dad to talk to “strangers” for me. My social life has become unbearably limited, but I hope it’s only because I’ve isolated myself and shut myself away from the world for so long. I like to believe that if I put myself out there, if I let myself be seen and be vulnerable, I will find reactions different from my own self-perception. I will find positive acceptance, acquaintances, companions. I’m also rather insecure about a certain physical “issue,” and it affects my day-to-day life in the sense that I’m always very careful about where I go: I have to make sure a certain ~facility exists before I’ll agree to venture somewhere. I avoid road-trips with people who aren’t family. And, while this isn’t my *biggest* insecurity, I noticed I still do experience some discomfort when asked whether I’m male or female (which is something I’ve had to deal with at work). I become reluctant to explain being transgender because the environment just doesn’t leave a lot of room for in-depth explanations about a topic many of those people have not talked about (or really even heard of or thought about) before meeting me.”

Is it ever appropriate to “snoop” on your significant other (going through their phone, having their Facebook password, etc.)? Where do you think the line should be drawn?
“No, I don’t feel it’s particularly appropriate to snoop on a partner or go through their private things without permission (unless you seriously suspect they’re a serial killer or something—then, sure, be a little sneaky—but also get out A.S.A.P.). Basically, if I didn’t trust someone, I’d confront them and raise my concerns directly. I wouldn’t go looking for some sort of “proof” before giving them an opportunity to appease my fears. And, even if I didn’t feel their answer was honest, I still wouldn’t snoop. If I felt I couldn’t trust them after all, I’d just end the relationship because it doesn’t seem worthwhile for me to stay with someone whose behaviors only exacerbate my trust issues. Plus, I wouldn’t want anyone going through my stuff either. (Talk about being untrustworthy. I need to know my space is mine.) Have enough respect and decency to come to me rather than trying to dig up every little bit of dirt you can find. And—where should the line be drawn? If they haven’t expressed a willingness to let you see something personal to them, then, well—let it be.”

Have you ever remodeled or redecorated a room? How did it come out? What were some of the things you incorporated in your plans?
“I’ve never thoroughly remodeled a room, but I’ve redecorated and reorganized my bedroom(s) numerous times, and I’ve helped my parents paint and do some minor remodeling (or repairs: wall-patching, etc). I painted my old bedroom walls a soft sky-blue several years ago. I also cleared out a lot things so as to make it appear sparse and open, stuck glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling, and cut out paper snowflakes to suspend from the ceiling as well (I should make some for my current room!). In my present room, I haven’t really done anything apart from clean up and situate things the way I’d mostly like them, set up my stuffed animals, books, trinkets, etc. I still want more of an ultra-cute, cloud-cocoon bedroom, though, so maybe I’ll work toward gradually transforming this one into a safe, ideal, dreamlike space. Also, I need a kotatsu table. I will have one one day. I will.”

If I peeked into your laundry basket, what would I find the most of? Do you tend to dress for more for comfort or appearance?
“My hamper is almost empty, so if you peeked in there now, you wouldn’t find much of anything. Just a pink-striped scarf, an old and holey ‘rehab is for quitters’ shirt (which obviously belongs to Halle-dear~), and some undergarments. Most of my clothes are in another bin, or on the floor in the upstairs bathroom (I have a bad habit of leaving them there after I shower). If you looked in those places, however, you’d discover an abundance of pink, sparkles, glitter, and various flouncy, delicate, dainty, pastel, and bubble-gum-like things. Lots of sweaters, hoodies, pajama pants, sweat pants—anything that connotes relaxation and coziness.”

What’s your favorite pizza place or sub shop to order from? What do you usually get there?
“We tend to order pizza from Papa John’s, since that’s where my brother used to work. It just sort of became a habit. I prefer Pizza Hut, but really only for their P’zones; otherwise, I don’t much mind where the pizza comes from, and don’t eat it all that often anyway. I’d also be more likely to bake one at home than order out for one. Or, if I did order out, I’d be more likely to go for some other cuisine. Regarding subs, I used to like Quizno’s, but they’ve since closed down. Subway is fine, but, again, I’d rather just make a sandwich at home, that way it’s more to my specifications.”

Are you looking forward to any concerts or events this coming summer?
“I have no plans to attend any concerts or events, so no, not really. I might go to the State Fair near the end of summer if I still feel like it, and I hope to do a lot of hiking and backpacking, and maybe visit the river-walk during the Boats, Blues, & BBQ weekend, but that’s about it.”

What are some things you tend to notice about people that others may find trivial or not notice at all? Why do you think you notice those things?
“I’m not sure I do notice particularly trivial qualities in others. If they’re that trivial, I probably don’t feel the need to focus or dwell on them. Like, I’d prefer to think I notice the less obvious meaningful qualities, such as things that matter most to a person, what words or actions move or cheer them, what they live for, strive for, dream about, and stuff like that.”

Do you ever listen to talk radio shows? Which ones?
“Only very occasionally. Sometimes my dad will turn on the radio while driving, but I don’t listen to any out of my own effort or interest.”

The last time you checked your mailbox, what was in there? Do you usually get a lot of mail?
“I can’t even remember the last time I personally checked the mail. My dad’s usually the one who does, since 99% of what arrives will be for him anyway—which should adequately answer the next question. However, I have recently acquired a pen friend, so I’ll be exchanging letters with them soon! I’m going to send a simple letter before too long to make sure the address is correct and everything arrives alright, and then I’ll send more cute things / care packages. (ღ˘⌣˘ღ) (Excited!)”

Do you clip coupons when you go grocery shopping or shopping for other items? Where do you get your coupons from?
“No, I don’t. I used to clip coupons from the magazines in the Sunday paper with my mom, though. She’d cut out the ones she’d actually use, and I’d cut out the ones I thought looked interesting, along with all the pretty check order-forms, and I’d pretend I was actually going to buy all of those things.”

Do you think it’s worth it to go and see all of the old movies that are now being re-released in 3d? Will you go see Jurassic Park when it comes out in 3d in April?
“It’s not worth it for me personally (it would cost too much money, the theater environment leaves much to be desired, and the glasses and effects would probably just give me a migraine), but it might be for those who are more interested in revisiting old favorite films. Also, no, I won’t be going to see Jurassic Park in 3D.”

What time in the day do you feel your best? Why do you think that’s the case?
“I tend to feel best in the early morning, not long after waking up. I also feel pretty good late at night, but that’s a fairly new development. As recently ago as January, I was lethargic and out of it by seven PM, and often unconscious by eight or nine. I think mornings are generally good times because the whole day spans ahead of me: it’s like freshly fallen snow, untouched; it feels full of possibility and the enthusiasm that accompanies beginnings. And there’s always a shower to look forward to. And coffee! And breakfast—which is something I’ve been trying to incorporate in my life more consistently. And nights are nice because I feel all fuzzy-headed and electrically charged, like my mind’s going a million miles an hour. I can’t concentrate well (thoughts settle never and nowhere) but the energy is pleasant enough—except when it interferes with a sincere desire to get some sleep.”

Is there an “age” where at that point in your life you would become concerned if you weren’t settled down? How important is settling down, getting married, etc. to you?
“I’m actually trying to let go of the traditional idea or expectation of ‘settling down’ (or ‘being successful,’ what constitutes a ‘real job,’ and things like that). It’s only ever given me anxiety, and the fear that I may never live up to what society wants from me in those terms. So, while I worry about my future, the worry is lessening because I realize it’s got more to do with comparison than necessity: I can find other, perhaps somewhat unconventional ways to get by. I don’t have to take the most recognizable trail. I don’t have to think of my path as inferior to anyone else’s—whether they have a career or a college degree or whatever. I will be independent when I am—or I won’t be. The only thing I need to do is keep moving forward at whatever pace I’m able.”

What are the best and worst things about working at your job?
”[ BEST ]: A very relaxed dress-code (I can go in wearing everyday clothing); I can listen to music while I work; the work’s easy; time passes quickly; the people I work with are nice.
[ WORST ]: The repetitive motion of putting / pulling small, sometimes slightly sharp objects together tends to wear away at my fingers; taking my piercings in and out and replacing them with clear spacers isn’t always such a smooth endeavor.”

When you were in school, did you buy or bring your lunch? Was the lunch at your school decent, with lots of choices, or did mostly everyone bring their own lunch?
“In elementary school, I would bring my lunch almost daily. The only time I didn’t was for Pizza Fridays, or for the occasional taco day. Otherwise, I wasn’t too thrilled with the hot lunch options. In middle school, I brought my lunch now and then, but the lunch options were a little better, so I was sometimes given money as well. At some point, I stopped buying lunch and just kept the money in my backpack. Sometimes I’d use it to buy Yu-Gi-Oh cards from a friend in Art class, or to buy snacks to eat some other time. In high school, my habits were erratic. I’d bring lunches and eat them, not eat them, eat part of them, give them away, trade them off; sometimes buy hot lunches, buy snacks, or just avoid the lunch area altogether and wander the halls.”

Is caring for the environment important to you? Do you recycle?
“It is, yes, and it’s heightened in importance since spending more time out in the woods. I really, really want to preserve those places. Right now, since I live under my dad’s roof and can’t really control what he does with the trash (since I don’t have much money of my own or a means of transportation), I don’t recycle. I do, however, take other measures to cut back or make more sustainable, natural, animal and earth friendly choices. I’m not perfect about it, though; nor will I claim to be.”

What would you say you are most sensitive to - sights, smells, sounds, or textures? Has this ever caused problems for you?
“Smells, sights, then sounds, and textures—although textures, for me, seem to fall in a different category. Smells (perfumes) (gases) (cleaning products) and sights (flickering or florescent lights) (bright and repetitive flashes) (sun gleams) (glares) can bring on a migraine; sounds are also unpleasant while I’m enduring such discomfort; and textures are just generally something I’ve kind of always been particular about. If we’re talking about touch, though, then I’m highly sensitive to that. You could probably tickle me with a thought.”

What’s your favorite girl scout cookie? Did you ever sell them as a kid?
“My favorites were the Samoas, then Thin Mints. Yes, I did sell them as a kid.”

What were your favorite books when you were a kid? Did you read much when you were younger?
“Watership Down by Richard Adams, the Harry Potter series (at least in the early stages; I was less of a kid when the later books came out) by J. K. Rowling, the Redwall / Martin the Warrior series by Brian Jacques, The Egyptian by Mika Waltari, The Wild Road and The Golden Cat by Gabriel King, The Chronicles of Narnia by C. S. Lewis, Where the Red Fern Grows by Wilson Rawls, The Trumpet of the Swan by E. B. White, The Lord of the Rings by J. R. R. Tolkien, a few books here and there by Dean Koontz and Stephen King, etc. Yes, I did read a lot when I was younger. I was probably more of a voracious reader then than I am now.”

Tell me about something awesome, crazy, terrible, weird, etc. that happened to you this week. (Because I can’t think of another question but I’m definitely not ending a survey with #19).
“Well, a couple of days ago, I had this pervading sense of contentment, soft euphoria, and clarity; a profound comprehension. It was like someone left open the door to the universe, and I caught a glimpse of the answers to everything. It instilled in me a great sense of hope and calmness and just… an overarching feeling of ease. It’s seeped into the surrounding days as well. It’s milder now, but I still feel like I’m sort of floating—not in a detached way like I used to, but in a gentle, restful, light, and curious way. I feel like a precious little orb of energy.（〃・・〃）”

Photo

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 19:14:34 -0400

4/4/2013;

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:26:00 -0400

Your best feature:
☆ A E S T H E T I C S.
1. “Eyes.”
2. “Hair.”
3. “Facial structure.”
☆ F U N C T I O N S.
1. “Legs: hiking, etc.”
2. “Core strength: also good for hiking, etc.”
3. “Overall endurance and resilience.”
4. “Immune system.”
5. “Capable of sleeping on the floor / earth.”
☆ N O N - P H Y S I C A L.
1. “Creativity.”
2. “Imagination.”
3. “Thoughtfulness.”
4. “Generosity.”
5. “Curiosity.”

Your biggest downfall:
1. “Second-guessing my own capabilities.”
2. “Insecurity, doubt, embarrassment, guilt.”
3. “Wondering ‘what if.’ Clinging to the past.”
4. “Romantic relationships: I tend to become lost in them.”
5. “Comparing myself to others; never feeling ‘good enough.’”
6. “Trying to tackle and plan my entire future all at once.”
7. “An inability to let go of things / people / situations.”

Your job:
1. “It’s at a place called Pueblo Diversified.”
2. “Which is a program for people with special needs or limited abilities.”
3. “I attend Mondays and Wednesdays from 11-12.”
4. “I’ve been going for three weeks now.”
5. “I put together key-tags, key-chains, screwdrivers, and other little items.”
6. “I’m no longer excessively nervous about showing up.”
7. “I’m open about my gender identity; I’m called by my name and preferred pronouns.”
8. “I’m allowed to listen to music while I work.”
9. “But I tend to leave one ear-bud out in case someone talks to me.”
10. “It’s helping me feel more at ease in minor, non-threatening social situations.”
11. “It’s helping me speak up for myself, even if it’s just to get another box of tags.”
12. “It’s one of the first of a bunch of steps toward putting my life together.”
13. “Everyone’s really friendly, even the other workers. Many say ‘hi’ and ‘bye’ to me regularly now.”
14. “I’ll probably be increasing my hours before too long.”
15. “The place is a maze. It’s easy to get turned around coming out of a bathroom.”
16. “I have to take out my lip piercings, which was initially a hassle and a huge stress until I got things figured out. Such fine motor skills are not my friend.”
17. “I try to put together as many items as quickly and smoothly as I can. It’s like I’m in a contest or race against myself.”
18. “Time flies by while I’m there. It’s like I sit down and suddenly—it’s over.”
19. “The repetitive motion tends to rip up my fingers, so I’ve been covered in band-aids lately.”
20. “I’m really grateful to have found this opportunity. I felt very lost in the job world otherwise.”

Your best friend:
1. “I don’t declare best friends, but I’ll fill this out about Christopher!”
2. “We met on VampireFreaks a whole handful of years ago. I must have been 14-15 at the time.”
3. “He’s married.”
4. “He lives in California.”
5. “He’s stuck by me and forgiven me over the years, even after that awkward and hurtful ‘identity crisis’ of mine, oh dear.”
6. “We talk a lot on Tumblr.”
7. “I like that he often messages me just to see how I’m doing or to share little tidbits of whatever.”
8. “He has a very pleasant sense of humor, way of writing, and manner of speaking.”
9. “He has (a couple?) (several?) cats.”
10. “A psychotic blond he roleplays recently destroyed the entire universe.”
11. “He likes outer space a lot.”
12. “He recently got new glasses.”
13. “He’s a really good, engaging writer, and really good at photography as well.”
14. “He’s very inspiring.”
15. “I am so glad he’s still my friend, especially since, over the years, I haven’t always been the greatest friend in return.”

Your enemy:
1. “Migraines.”
2. “Excessively hot or excessively cold temperatures.”
3. “Mushy textures that aren’t coupled with something bready or crunchy.”
4. “Milk. But only in milk-form. Yogurt, cheese, etc—and their soy or non-dairy alternatives—are generally okay. Oh, and milk in coffee or tea as creamer is okay, but otherwise… no.”
5. “Situations that make me feel inferior or far out of my element.”
6. “My ridiculously small and weak bladder.”

Your pet:
1. “We’ve got three (cats): Fluffy, Esther, and Karenna.”
2. “Fluffy: Balinese; long-haired; white and dark-brown; recently had his fur shaved very close because he was developing kitty dreadlocks and wasn’t washing himself as well as he used to; he’s always been a super-skinny cat; doesn’t care much for the presence of other cats (but is starting to tolerate Esther); purrs extremely loudly; likes to sleep near my face; likes to walk across my face and tickle me with his whiskers at night; likes to lie on top of laptops when you aren’t paying attention—and send encoded messages to the government.”
3. “Esther: grey and white; we adopted her from a friend of my mom’s who’d taken in a pregnant stray; sister to Karenna; floppy; squeaky; tends to squirm away if anyone aside from me tries to touch her (like, she’ll dip her legs and do her damnedest not to be touched); likes to sleep under the blankets, in my armpit; talks to me a lot; likes yogurt; has whiskers that remind me of a dragon; eyes like she knows every secret in the universe.”
4. “Karenna: grey with a little white patch on her chest; super sassy—like, you can tell when she’s adopting an attitude—it’s almost like listening to a human back-talk; carries her ‘best friends’ (little bits of string) all over the house; likes to sleep on my legs at night; likes to follow me into the bathroom almost whenever I go; the brave and adventurous one of the two sisters; likes to play-fight with my dad; tends to latch on to coat and pant strings unexpectedly—so watch out!; will jump up toward your hand if you stoop to pet her.”

Your sibling(s):
1. “Trevor.”
2. “Younger brother. [22].”
3. “We went through a patch of close to five years during which we didn’t speak to one another. We’ve recently begun interacting—civilly, gladly—once again.”
4. “He works at Marisol, which is a marijuana dispensary.”
5. “He’s pretty passionate about human rights / government corruption / etc.”
6. “He has a boyfriend named Tyler.”
7. “He lives with our mom.”
8. “He has the widest and most diverse music taste of anyone I’ve ever met.”
9. “He’s close to a foot taller than I am.”
10. “I’m meeting him for coffee this Saturday.”
11. “I’m relieved that the longstanding grudge between us has dissipated.”

Your mate:
1. “I have no mate, so I’ll use this as space to talk about qualities I desire in one.”
2. “Has a relatively in-depth understanding of mental disorders and what they entail.”
3. “Is compassionate, patient, and understanding.”
4. “Is affectionate, cuddly, and sensual.”
5. “Is adventurous, spontaneous, persistent, and brave—the sort of person who would pull me out of my shell.”
6. “Holds beliefs and perspectives similar to mine.”
7. “Likes animals, likes to cook, likes creative things, enjoys being out in the wilderness.”
8. “Enjoys lengthy conversations about nothing in particular. Also doesn’t mind (my) silence.”
9. “Understands that there will be times—sometimes days or weeks on end—during which I will not be quite like myself: I may need extra care or extra space, or simple reassurance that I’m loved and they aren’t going anywhere.”
10. “Will allow me to watch them play video games, or read or nap beside them while they do other activities.”

Your best sexual experience:
1. “I honestly don’t know what I’d consider to be my best sexual experience.”
2. “With one partner in particular, I felt loved and safe; but he wasn’t especially experimental, so I tended to feel stifled and misunderstood. He wasn’t too embracing of the fact that I was transgender, either.”
3. “With another, I felt satisfied experimentally and in terms of identity, but none of it really felt like love, and I never felt completely secure with them. I always felt like I should hold part of myself back because I could tell they weren’t being entirely vulnerable.”

Your worst sexual experience:
1. “No.”

Your religious beliefs:
1. “I don’t follow any specific set of religious beliefs.”
2. “However, my views tend to be nature-based, equality based, and compassion-based.”
3. “I believe in helping others, and in doing my best to do no harm.”
4. “I believe the world, the universe, all that is, is a gigantic garden to be explored—and cared for.”
5. “I believe everyone deserves love. Everyone. I don’t care what they’ve done. No one is ‘too evil’ to be deserving of basic care and respect. Plus, I don’t believe anyone benefits from meeting cruelty with cruelty: that only perpetuates the cycle.”
6. “I believe in working toward a more simplistic, animal-friendly, environmentally-friendly, community-friendly way of life, where we all aim to help everyone have what they need.”

Your favorite outdoor activity:
1. “Backpacking, hiking, or camping.”
2. “Exploring the prairie and creek near home, looking for glass and bones and bottles and other oddities.”
3. “Gardening, weeding, harvesting. Watching the insects and spiders.”
4. “Grilling.”
5. “Relaxing in the warm sunlight.”
6. “Walks to the park, especially in spring when the apple blossoms are out in abundance, or in autumn when the leaves are changing.”
7. “Visiting Lake Isabel.”
8. “Exploring the ditches and trails beyond the university.”
9. “Eating and reading on the back deck, when the weather’s milder.”
10. “Picnics.”
11. “Playing in the snow.”
12. “Taking the kittens outside and allowing them to romp around.”
13. “Taking pictures of leaves, sky, bark, trees, snow, moss, flowers, fungus, grass, etc.”
14. “Lying on the soft grass, daydreaming.”

Your favorite indoor activity:
1. “Writing: working on Snow, surveys, journal-keeping, 365 questions challenge, 30 day self-esteem challenge, poems, prose, remembrances, lists, whatever. Anything that allows me to string words together.”
2. “Reading and eating. Although, as I mentioned above, I could easily do this outside as well if the weather allowed for it. I just tend to do so inside. The same is true for other activities listed here.”
3. “Spending time online. Tumblr, Xanga. Messaging back-and-forth with friends.”
4. “Cooking and baking.”
5. “Drawing.”
6. “Watching anime; saving and editing screencaps.”
7. “Curling up in bed with my cats.”
8. “Editing snapshots.”
9. “Lying in bed, drifting off to sleep with the rain falling.”
10. “Various crafts: origami, organizing my trinket dresser, making scented lotions, burning candles or incense, etc.”

Your favorite sexual position:
1. “Missionary. With me on the bottom. I like to feel squished and held and safe. Touch my face and hair a lot. Look at me. Really look at me. Encompass me. Don’t rush.”

Your dream mate:
1. “I’ve already expressed many of the qualities I desire in a dream-mate.”

Your childhood:
1. “My parents put a lot of effort into making the holidays magical.”
2. “I believed in Santa, the Tooth Fairy, the Easter Bunny, etc.”
3. “I attended a private Catholic school until 3rd grade. I really liked it there.”
4. “I liked the school I switched to as well, though—Haaff Elementary.”
5. “I made my first real best friend in the fourth grade—a girl named Aurora.”
6. “I used to cry almost every day before school / on the way to the bus stop / on the bus / etc.”
7. “I missed a lot of school due to migraines and anxiety.”
8. “I ran track (800 meter), took piano and clarinet lessons, participated in Destination Imagination, and played volleyball and tee-ball.”
9. “I had very bad experiences with a neighborhood boy who was a few years older than myself.”
10. “Watership Down was my favorite movie—and, later, my favorite book.”
11. “I spent a lot of time reading.”
12. “I built miniature cities in the tall grass beneath the trampoline. I ran the hose to cut a river.”
13. “I went camping almost every summer. Devil’s Head. Redwing.”
14. “I was very shy and quiet and wouldn’t talk to anyone unless they spoke to me first.”
15. “I was an extremely picky eater.”
16. “I went through a whole lot of Orthodontic work, starting from around age seven or eight: palate spreader, rubber bands, braces, teeth pulled (all of my adult canines included), etc.”
17. “I liked to imagine myself in other worlds or dimensions. I used to believe I could visit the ‘Fourth Dimension.’”
18. “I loved fast-food.”
19. “One of my favorite things was when my mom would sometimes cook bacon on the weekends. I’d make a bacon sandwich and eat it slowly, savoring every bite of it.”
20. “I was in Scouts, and I attended camp twice: once with Scouts (with my mom present), and another week-long stay at Camp Jackson (although I left earlier due to homesickness and not eating while there; I was just too sad and sensitive to stay).”
21. “I regularly pretended to be fictional characters or people other than myself. I wanted people to call me different names and accept my different identities.”

Your future goals:
1. “I wish to overcome mental disorders and lingering issues, or at least decrease their impact on my life—that way I no longer feel like I’m living strictly according to them, or like I’m stuck within their confines. Develop lots of healthy, creative, productive, and safe coping skills.”
2. “Eat breakfast regularly. I decided just this morning to lure myself into it by doing a 365 Day Breakfast Photo Challenge.”
3. “Know myself for who I really am, what my strengths and weaknesses are, what I like, what I wish for. Become comfortable asserting myself, talking about my opinions, my dreams, my feelings, my thoughts, ideals, and inspirations.”
4. “Run a hiking hostel or some sort of bed and breakfast establishment.”
5. “Thru-hike the Colorado Trail and Appalachian Trail. Hike lengthy portions of the Pacific Crest Trail and the Continental Divide Trail.”
6. “Climb Pike’s Peak and get doughnuts from the shop at the top.”
7. “Climb many mountains and travel many trails around the world.”
8. “Continue overcoming my silly fear of spiders. Hold a spider!”
9. “Have a small cabin in the woods somewhere, or a ranch setting with garden plots for vegetable-growing.”
10. “Maintain vegetarianism, continue shifting toward veganism when able. Find other ways to be even more Earth-friendly.”
11. “Finish rewriting Snow. Hold my own copy. Eep!”
12. “Continue with Pueblo Diversified until I’m either helped to transfer to another job or feel capable of finding one on my own.”
13. “Reach a point in health where I feel well enough to return to some of my favorite backpacking destinations this summer, especially Goodwin Lake and Comanche Lake.”
14. “Have a healthy, non-dependent relationship with someone. Fall in love for the right reasons.”
15. “Continue with my effort to quite smoking cigarettes. I quit for a month or two, then started again for a bit, and now I’ve stopped again for about a week—so, hopefully, this time, I’ll keep it up.”
16. “Get better at drawing. (Follow the concept of ‘planting an oak tree.’)”
17. “Form some sort of a social life. Become better at initiating and maintaining contact with people.”
18. “Make peace with the feeling of being abandoned.”
19. “Travel to Iceland, Sweden, Norway, Italy, Japan, etc.”
20. “Sing more freely.”
21. “Become more independent and self-sufficient. Learn basic life skills. Relearn how to drive and how to feel comfortable behind the wheel again. Learn how to be okay by myself.”
22. “Get better at cooking and baking. Collect recipes and make my own recipe scrapbook.”
23. “Read at least fifty books this year. That number may change once I figure out my pace.”
24. “Watch more films, shows, anime, documentaries, etc. Listen to more music. Find new artists; relive the old.”

Your worries:
1. “Ineptitude: not being able to defeat (the perception of) it.”
2. “Abandonment.”
3. “Never figuring out how to live on my own. Constantly needing to rely on other people. Worrying that, one day, no one will be there.”
4. “Going somewhere without a readily available restroom.”
5. “And, similarly, car-trips, especially with people I don’t know well because I’d feel uncomfortable asking them to stop so frequently.”
6. “The unexpected death of a loved-one or friend.”
7. “Unpredictable social situations.”
8. “Trying to explain my gender identity to people who really don’t understand the first thing about it. Feeling foolish because I’m not eloquent.”
9. “Screaming or crying so loudly during a panic episode that someone calls the cops.”
10. “Annoying other people or making them uncomfortable without realizing it.”
11. “Just… generally ending up in a situation I wouldn’t be able to handle without breaking down.”

Your perfect day/night:
1. “Oh, gosh, I have a lot of potential perfect days or nights, so I will just list things they’d typically include rather than trying to describe a single one, or all of them.”
2. “Pulling out the recipe books and planning to cook a special meal.”
3. “Curling up and eating snacks while reading, watching a film, or watching someone play an RPG.”
4. “Having the opportunity to talk to people I care about.”
5. “Picnicking, hiking, camping, exploring, anything of that nature.”
6. “Basking in the sun, or enjoying a rainy or snowy day inside.”
7. “Making oatmeal for breakfast, or anything else that’s really cozy, or nostalgic.”
8. “Having a favorite meal, whether for lunch, dinner, or whenever.”
9. “Going grocery shopping, thrift shopping, book shopping, out to a restaurant or coffee shop or treat shop, etc.”
10. “Cuddling, etc, for a long while with a hypothetical lover.”
11. “Star-gazing while talking about dreams and fantasies.”
12. “Lying in bed until I feel luxuriously well-rested.”
13. “Relishing a nice hot shower. Or relishing it with a hypothetical partner.”
14. “Playing Rock Band / Guitar Hero / Dance Dance Revolution.”
15.“Going out somewhere to for the purpose of taking photos.”
16. “Basically, participating in passions and hobbies, being around people I love, getting out, and things like that.”

Your perfect body:
1. “As far as outward appearance goes, I’m pretty much fine with what I have. There are scars and things that other people might consider unsightly or imperfect, but I’m mostly beyond caring. What I have is okay enough for me.”
2. “When it comes to the inner workings, I would rather I didn’t have migraines or such a limiting bladder, but it doesn’t do well to dwell on things that aren’t going to change.”

Your bad habits:
1. “Jumping to conclusions. Usually the worst conclusions. And treating them like facts.”
2. “Losing myself in relationships. Using them as a way to numb out or as a means to buffer me from the real world.”
3. “Letting my fear stop me from doing things I really, really, really do need and want to learn how to do.”
4. “Realistically, I do drink far too much coffee. But that will probably decrease as I start eating more.”
5. “Putting off eating as long as possible.”
6. “Excessive exercising, especially squats and push-ups. The fact that it’s exercise makes it harder to claim it’s unhealthy, but it’s damaging and even dangerous with a restrictive eating disorder. I don’t need to burn any more calories.”
7. “Impatience.”

Your addictions:
1. “Escapism—that encompasses just about all of them.”

Your personality:
1. “Still somewhat undefined, mercurial, shifting.”
2. “Restless, searching, curious, hungry; seeking something.”
3. “Cowardly, yet willing to work to overcome fear. Paradoxically courageous.”
4. “Creative, artsy, imaginative, whimsical, dreamy.”
5. “Space cadet, star boy, dandelion head, sun mote.”
6. “Sweet, sensitive, an emotional sponge, empathetic.”
7. “Sour, sarcastic, jealous, insecure, uncertain, afraid.”
8. “Timid, slow to really warm up to others, reserved.”
9. “Introvert longing to be an extrovert.”
10. “A Pisces: the fish and the ocean.”

naative: Joshua Johnston

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:16:20 -0400

naative:

Joshua Johnston

4/3/2013;

Thu, 04 Apr 2013 00:16:06 -0400

What’s the most revolting thing that you do?
“Um, I’m not sure. I’ve seen it expressed that going without deodorant is revolting to some people, but I do that regularly, if not 99% of the time. I scarcely sweat or smell, so I don’t see why I should stuff chemicals into my pits to appease militant deodorant supporters. (There is nothing gross about being natural—I promise you. The fault lies with people who would have you believe otherwise, or who would have you feel ashamed of yourself for not applying certain things to your skin just because society deems such practices acceptable or normal.) I wear clothing more than one day in a row if I haven’t done anything particularly strenuous. I sometimes pick my nose to dislodge snot that won’t otherwise come free. I don’t always wash my hands after I use the restroom. And I pick at the skin around my right thumbnail, although, really, that doesn’t look so revolting as just …weird.”

Do you have any mental/physical/behavioral disorders?
“I struggle with mental disorders, yes. I’m currently trying—yet again—and very slowly this time—to recover, or to learn to live contentedly and as fully as I can with the reality of these illnesses. I’ve had an eating disorder for so long, though, that I don’t know if I shall ever completely recover. I have a feeling there will be remnants of the disease, behaviors that linger, rituals that refuse to depart, things I never quite get over. But I also have a feeling I can get to a place that’s a whole hell of a lot better than where I’m at currently, and even better than some of the good places I have reached over the past few years, during months of partial recovery. As for physical disorders, I don’t think I have anything that would qualify, but I’ve experienced chronic migraines since around the third or second grade, and those have had a very limiting, confining effect on my existence as well.”

Do you have a weak stomach?
“If it’s weak, it’s only because of all the coffee I pour into it in copious amounts, at all-too-regular intervals; or due to the effects of malnutrition and erratically rising and plummeting states of health. Otherwise, I swear that thing’s a trooper. I don’t deserve such a strong, determined stomach. In terms of how it reacts to scenes of gore and sickness, it’s fairly calm. It’s usually a lightheadedness that overtakes me if I see something mangled beyond my comprehension, such as when my mom nearly lost her hand after a motorcycle accident—it was still attached by little more than skin alone. I think my reactions also depend on how much I care for the person. Random images of gore on Tumblr will raise only limited emotion, whereas hurting loved ones drives me crazy with worry.”

If you eat breakfast, do you eat things that are meant for lunch or dinner?
“I only eat a legitimate breakfast (as in one that falls at what would be a normal breakfast-time for me, with normal, nourishing portions) maybe one out of every ten days. Oftentimes, I don’t eat until lunchtime or later, and I sometimes wait until around three or four PM after work days, since I have a hard time starting off. Once I eat my first ‘meal,’ however, my appetite kicks in and the rest are easier. Typically, though, to answer the question, I eat pretty quintessential breakfast foods at breakfast time—and many other times throughout the day. While I may not like the particular time of eating, I love the food associated with it—especially oatmeal, vegetarian sausage patties, and cinnamon-raisin bagels.”

How much do you weigh?
“I’d rather not answer how much I weigh, not even in terms of an approximate amount.”

Do you freak out over little things?
“Yes, unfortunately. Lately, I feel like I’ve got only a thread of patience, and it’s very easy to snap it. I don’t want to be this way: so uptight, rigid, nervous, and unyielding—and scared of anything apart from my consistent, safe, repetitive, predictable routines. It is getting a little better, though. I’ve noticed I’ve become less immediately irritable over the past couple of weeks, which may have to do with eating more as well as purposely doing things to improve my surroundings and mind-stream, so I have hope that it can continue to improve, and, hopefully, I’ll be the mellow, patient, level-headed individual I wish to be.”

Have a fetish? If so, what?
“I don’t know if it would be classed a fetish, but I do find desperation (i.e. holding of bodily fluids—especially urine) to be incredibly arousing, almost to the point where I can’t get properly turned on unless I have to ‘go.’ (And, wow, what an embarrassing question to answer. =-___-= Hah.)”

Do you think you’re better than most/certain people?
“I seem to vacillate between believing myself better and believing myself inferior—or experiencing a swollen ego in the depths of cowardice. However, deep down, I know I’m no inherently better or worse than anyone else, nor do I truly think of myself as such. Wherever those feelings stem from, it’s not my heart’s honest belief. It’s probably just insecurity, or a lack of self-awareness on my own part.”

Do you have something against fat people?
“Not at all. I don’t know how anyone could justify having something against someone based on their weight. That’s absurd and cruel and… I don’t know. I just question the thinking process of someone who could hate someone because of their physical appearance.”

Have you ever made yourself throw up because you felt you were going to gain weight after binging?
“No, but I’ve thrown up because I couldn’t possibly stand to keep certain feelings inside me any longer, and it was either do that or do something that would have been much more damaging, since I wasn’t in control of my impulses. Very luckily, while I do purge on the very rare occasion, it’s never become habitual. As with self-harm, it’s something that seems to present a problem only when my emotions are running exceedingly high, when I’m seething, when I know not what else to do to get rid of the energy boiling through my veins.”

Do you obsess over getting high off of markers?
“No, I don’t.”

Are you racist?
“No. If anything I say or do comes across as racist, it’s unintentional and I’m unaware of my behavior.”

Are you sexist?
“No. Again, if anything I say or do comes across as sexist, it’s not meant that way at all. I’d be glad to be (hopefully politely) corrected.”

Do you want to have a baby at a young age?
“I don’t want to have a baby at any age, really. Although I don’t think twenty-four is an especially young age to have a child. I’ve heard of people having kids much earlier.”

Does blood make you sick?
“No. Blood by itself is actually pretty nice-looking. It has a strange appeal.”

How many times do you take a bath/shower in a week?
“I shower between five and nine times a week. There are some days when I’m too lazy to shower, I don’t consider myself dirty, or I just don’t feel like it. Then there are days during which an extra shower sounds lovely. Today, in fact, was one of those days. I had a shower just before starting this survey.”

Do you like to start confrontations?
“You know, I used to be really confrontational. Like, I would crave a good argument. I think I’ve figured out why, though: I’d feel so tense that fighting would be a relief from sitting in suffocating silence, so—while I didn’t care for the results most times (since I was horrible at fighting decently; horrible at fighting only to resolve issues rather than flay them open)—I needed to fight to clear the air, to clean the slate. These past few years, though, even the suggestion of an argument of any level of seriousness or ugliness almost immediately saturates me with anxiety. I am so, so tired of fighting. I never want to have another fight with anyone ever again.”

Do you always have to have the last word?
“No, I don’t.”

Who do you hate the most in your family and why?
“I don’t hate anyone in my family, but I don’t have much of a relationship with my mom anymore. There are certain things about me she can’t accept or deal with, and, honestly, as much as it isn’t ideal—and as much as I still don’t know how to feel about life without her in it—it’s probably for the best if she wasn’t going to be anything other than destructive and sarcastic and hurtful.”

Do you agree with relationships where the female is way younger than the male?
“I don’t necessarily agree or disagree. I mean, obviously there are situations in which one partner is too young to give consent or know what they’re getting into—and I don’t agree with that happening—but in other cases, I don’t think it’s any of my business as to the ages of people dating. If they’re happy—okay, good. If they’re not, well, why is that my problem? As long as there’s no abuse, then, hey—unhappy relationships happen sometimes.”

Do you wish that you were born a different gender?
“I don’t wish I was born differently, no. I just wish the world readily and agreeably perceived me according to the way I saw myself, which is somewhat beyond gender, or in a realm where gender is more or less irrelevant. But that’s not the way society works, I suppose. In the ‘real world’ people still seem very focused on gender and sex; so, as I said, it’s not so much that I wish I was different—since that would mean trimming myself to fit a strange mold, and I won’t do that—but that the thoughts about me and others who felt similarly were more informed, friendly, advanced, open-minded, etc.”

Do you wish that you were born to different parents?
“Not truly, no. I love my dad, and despite the way things are now with my mom, I wouldn’t just wish her away on a whim. However, as a kid, I did wonder what it would have been like to have been born to different parents. I wanted to live a thousand lives. It wasn’t about being ungrateful for what I had. It was just about wondering what else was out there, and aching over the realization that I could only ever be one person, live one life.”

Does having conversations about the dead make you cry?
“No, not usually.”

Are you emotionally sensitive?
“Yes, I am. Sometimes I feel like I’m the most sensitive person on the planet, but surely there has to be someone out there more sensitive to the world / to people / to everything than I am. I can’t be the only one who seems to feel everything so. damn. intensely that it’s often incapacitating.”

If you could kill anyone at all, who would it be?
“I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Do you have a crush on someone that you don’t know?
“No, I don’t. I find certain people rather interesting without really knowing them, but I don’t have a crush on anyone at this point. No one aside from my usual fictional collection, anyway.”

What do you hate most about yourself, physically?
“MIGRAINES. Who cares about anything else. If it works and doesn’t hurt, hallelujah. Why should I hate it?”

Do you say your prayers every night, if you worship some god?
“I don’t follow a particular religion, but I do hold my own understanding of God. I don’t pray nightly, but I do pray for—or concentrate on, devote time to, or think about—certain things and people throughout the day, and it’s possible I think about a great number of those things at night, since I tend to think of just about everything at night.”

Can you feel your spine?
“Yes.”

What about your ribs?
“Yes.”

Can you wrap your middle finger and thumb around your wrist? If you can, do your fingers overlap?
“/Wraps fingers around your throat. skjfkdsjf omg KIDDING, KIDDING. Just—all these body-checking questions. Eesh. Stahp.”

Do you think your parents are ugly?
“No, I don’t. I don’t think to consider anyone ugly because I just don’t give that much of a shit about what people look like. Seriously.”

What’s the weather like right now?
“Nighttime, partially cloudy, probably close to 40 degrees F, little to no wind.”

What are you currently sitting on?
“A black computer chair.”

How many times have you brushed your teeth today?
“Once.”

When did you get up?
“I was up between six and seven AM. Work mornings make me restless. I hate waiting for things that are late(r) in the day. It’s like I want to get everything over with right away, that way I don’t have to fret about it.”

Have you been in a vehicle for more than 45 minutes today?
“No, but I’ve been in one for close to forty.”

How many days until Christmas?
“A lot. A number I don’t feel like figuring out.”

Have you kissed someone today?
“No, I haven’t.”

Is your mom over 50?
“Yes.”

Do you usually take showers or baths?
“I take showers. I can’t remember the last time I took a bath.”

What kind of bottoms are you wearing right now?
“Red pajama pants with coffee cups on them. They say caffeine junkie.”

Are you wearing anything red?
”^”

Do you live in an apartment?
“No, I don’t.”

What color is the floor in the room you’re in?
“Teal, I suppose you’d call it. Turquoise, maybe. Some sort of medium-dark green-blue color. I DEEM IT ‘DEEP LAKE.’”

What was the most irritating thing to happen to you today?
“Ah, nothing much. Nothing that still irritates me to this moment.”

Do you wish at 11:11?
“Sometimes.”

Do you wish on shooting stars?
“Always.”

Do you wish on dandelions?
“Forever.”

Are you drinking anything right now?
“Coffee with vanilla almond milk and non-dairy hazelnut creamer.”

About how tall is your father?
“He’s around six feet tall.”

How old is your oldest living grandparent?
“None of my grandparents are still alive.”

Do you know anyone who has lived to be 100+?
“Not personally, no.”

Have you had your birthday yet this year?
“I did, yes. All things considered, it was rather nice. I think I did well at making the most of it.”

Do you read your horoscope on a regular basis?
“Not on a regular basis, but now and then, when I get curious.”

Do you like the color yellow?
“Soft, pale, fuzzy, dandelion and pastel yellows, yes.”

Are you an aunt or uncle?
“No.”

What is your hair like at the moment?
“Kind of flat. I didn’t bother to blow-dry it after my shower.”

How many times have you donated blood this year?
“I can’t donate blood. I would if I could, though. It wouldn’t bother me at all.”

Are you wearing any jewelry?
“I’m wearing two lip piercings and an Italian charm bracelet.”

Are you a video-gamer?
“No, not really, not like I used to be. I hardly ever play video games anymore, but I love to watch other people play them. I could sit and watch someone watch an RPG almost all day long, and quite happily. Just give me snacks and a blanket and a bowl or two and I’m good to go.”

Who got married at the last wedding you went to?
“My father’s best friend from high school and his fiancee. I think her name was Maria. I was eleven at the time—that was part of our trip out to California.”

Do you like Chinese food?
“I do, yes.”

How far is the nearest Wal-Mart?
“It’s about one and a half to two miles away.”

Have you ever been a designated driver?
“No. I haven’t been.”

What is something that always brings tears to your eyes?
“Mountains, oh gosh. Certain songs. Certain epiphanies and realizations. The things people say to me sometimes.”

Do you have any plans to get a tattoo or a new piercing?
“I still want to get ‘little ego be still’ somewhere, and one day I will have that nose-stud.”

What would your name be if your last name was the color of your shirt?
“Red.”

If you could find out how you would die, would you want to know?
“No, no, no. I’d much rather not know.”

Do you make your bed regularly?
“I half-make it everyday. :’)”

Do you look forward to the weekend?
“I’m looking forward to this Saturday, since I’ll be seeing my dad and Trevor and Tyler at The Daily Grind. And Sunday should be nice, just because it should be. In general, though, unless it’s summer and I’m going backpacking, weekends aren’t much different from any other day.”

How much do you know about the mechanics of cars?
“Like… nothing. Only the tiny bit Nick taught me.”

Has anyone ever told you you should be a model?
“Err.”

How old was your mom when she had you?
“She was thirty-two when she had me.”

Do rainy days get you down?
“They lull me into a certain kind of mood that’s more susceptible to melancholy, but they don’t always drag me down. Sometimes, they’re just the sort of day I need. A spring rain, for instance, would be lovely.”

Who is the artist/band you’re listening to at the moment?
“Sigur Rós.”

Do you ever take aspirin when you ‘feel a headache coming on’?
“I do. My headaches are exclusively migraines. I don’t fuck around. I don’t take just plain aspirin, either.”

Is there a calendar in the room you’re in?
“There may be old ones in storage bins, but none on display, nor any current calenders.”

Do you prefer to be in a relationship or be single?
“I really want to be able to have a good, happy, healthy relationship with someone. I can’t deny it. For as long as I can remember, I have wanted to love someone, and that feeling hasn’t diminished. However, for the time being, I think it’s best I remain single. I have so much about myself I need to figure out and fix and come to terms with. A relationship isn’t what I need unless that person could offer unconditional support and unending patience, and I really can’t expect that from anyone who isn’t a robot.”

If you’re single, do you wish you were in a relationship?
”^”

Have you ever had your heart broken?
“Yes. Or I’ve been left unbroken, but with ragged edges.”

Do you live within an hour of the beach?
“No.”

How do you like your steak?
“I used to eat it well-done.”

Were you born in the 1980s?
“I was born in 1989.”

Photo

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 19:13:09 -0400

4/3/2013;

Wed, 03 Apr 2013 19:13:04 -0400

[made by @cottoncandybruises at xanga]

List five things you’re currently thinking about:
“[1] I’m thinking about what an unusually good mood I’ve been in today, as well as the past couple of days; how everything seems pale-pastel and soft, hazy, springlike, warm, and safe, like being surrounded by some benevolent cosmic cloud.
[2] I’m thinking about how badly I wish to be in the woods again, yet how poor my cold tolerance has been lately. I think—like it or not—unless I happen to gain insulation rapidly—I’m going to have to wait until the temperature increases. Traipsing through the snow will do me no good in my current state.
[3] I’m thinking about how I feel right on the edge / verge of ‘letting go;’ I feel nearly able to fall, to release all I have known that’s familiar (empty) (hurtful) (crumbling) (useless) and move on to things that are new and unfamiliar (and hopefully, while initially frightening, also amazingly fulfilling).
[4] I’m thinking about how I’m going to coffee with my dad, brother, and my brother’s boyfriend Tyler this Saturday, and how nice it feels for us all to be getting along again, as well as how nice it feels to hear he’s looking forward to seeing me. I’m thinking about how little things like that tend to mean the world to me.
[5] I’m thinking about some of the in-depth vegan and vegetarian sites I’ve found, and how delicious and inspirational many of their meals look. I’m also thinking about how I shouldn’t shy away from my love of food like I’ve been sometimes inclined to do out of, what—shame? fear? Food brings people together, promotes community, sharing, communication, creativity, health—and so on and so forth—so there’s certainly nothing wrong with loving cooking, baking, and eating. Adopting a more thoughtful lifestyle, immersing myself in my passions, and fueling my body with interesting and fun foods seem like good, positive steps toward recovery and wholeness.”

What has made you smile the most in the last week?
“Feeling my mind shifting, I think. Feeling more hopeful, more determined, more inspired, more willing—just… *more* of a whole lot of positive emotions that should help me overcome some of my stagnation inertia; and thinking about how easy life could be if I would just let everything fall into place without fighting. The concept of cultivating my own internal garden seems to be resonating; I’m returning to the mindset of viewing my surroundings with awe and wonder, with imaginative, curious, childlike eyes. I’m returning to a perspective that allows me to see how beautiful the world can be, and it’s elevating my moods immensely.”

What do you do during thunderstorms?
“I like to stand out on the front porch or under the small overhang above the back deck and watch, or, sometimes, when they break late at night, I like to open my window and sleep to the sound of the rain and rumbling thunder. I also like to read, if they last long enough. Rainstorms around here tend to be ephemeral and rare.”

Do/did you always say goodnight to your parents before bed?
“Yes, I almost always say goodnight to my dad before going to bed—or he’ll say it to me before he heads to bed, which tends to be the case with how late I’ve been staying up recently: I’ll be up at least a couple hours beyond him. My, how my sleeping schedule has changed these past few months. It’s probably shifted a good quarter or a third of a turn of the clock. I will say that I do like being up later, though. I don’t want to go back to falling asleep so early; that was extremely limiting, since I was hardly functional after five PM.”

What’s the last thing you ate/drank?
“The last thing I ate was a cinnamon raisin bagel with almond butter and half of a banana. The last thing I had to drink was coffee with vanilla almond milk and non-dairy hazelnut creamer.”

What have you been worrying about lately?
“A lot of senseless things, really, the more I think about them. I have a lot of worries regarding how I will get by in the future, how I will make a living, take care of myself, things like that, but I feel like I will figure those things out one by one, little by little. And I feel like I’m already taking steps to figure those things out, especially with starting at Pueblo Diversified, and slowly but surely increasing my intake, as well as looking up other ways to help heal my mind and have a healthier, more rational relationship with myself and life as well. I have to remember that it’s a journey, and I’m on that journey, so there’s no reason to rush it. Rushing things has resolved nothing in the past; it’s only made me feel more anxious and inferior. So—this time—I’m taking everything at my own pace, and I’m doing things the way I really wish to do them, the way that feels best / happiest / most right for me—not anyone else. Basically, after I consider things, I see why I don’t have to worry. Life will come one day at a time, and I will handle things one day at a time.”

Are there any holidays you don’t celebrate?
“Well, yes, there are a lot of holidays I don’t celebrate. There are a number of religious or cultural holidays I wouldn’t even think to observe, and I may not even realize certain ones exist. However, regarding ones we were inclined to celebrate when I was younger, it seems to be down to Halloween and Thanksgiving. We barely do anything for Christmas or New Years, Valentine’s Day is generally irrelevant (although I tend to bake anyway), as is Easter and the Fourth of July; and there are Jewish holidays my dad no longer really celebrates, although he still sort of acknowledges them. Such things have become almost meaningless, or they lost what they meant to me as a kid. There is still magic, still something to appreciate: I still love the cooking, the lights, the togetherness, the anticipation, the creativity and whimsy; but when I’m the only one among my family who really cares, it’s kind of a lot of effort for one person to pull a whole holiday together year after year.”

Name a fashion trend you can’t stand:
“There are no fashion trends I cannot stand. I don’t pay that much attention to what other people are wearing in the first place—unless it looks like something I might like. I hold the opinion that people can wear what they like, since it seems a little silly to be incapable of tolerating a compilation of fabric, honestly. Like, if someone is going to look down on me for something I choose to wear, something that’s undoubtedly harmless, then that’s a reflection of them, not me.”

What are you listening to?
“I’m listening to my throat make strange gurgling noises. It tends to do that after I eat. It used to be mainly after I’d had a carbonated beverage, but I haven’t had anything like that in months. Not since dropping soda almost cold-turkey back in December. All of a sudden, it no longer appealed to me. Sprite and other clear or citrus drinks are kind of okay, but the brown sodas aren’t something I feel I could stomach anymore.”

Are you happy?
“While I’m in a much better place than I was a couple of months ago, I don’t yet know if ‘happy’ would be the best word to describe me. My emotional state is still very varied, very fragile, very mercurial. However, I am in a pretty good mood right now, which is strange for an afternoon. Normally, these hours are the more difficult, vacant, disheartening sort.”

What’s something that you often dream about?
“I often dream about hiking along fantastical, improbable mountain trails. They look like almost nothing that could exist within this realm. I dream of being in the hospital again, and who’s with me or who comes to see me depends on who’s been on my mind lately; and of being back in school, though a different sort of school with a sprawling dream-campus. I dream of people I’ve dated—two in particular make routine appearances, and one makes a less frequent, less involved appearance now and then. I dream of long-gone friends. I dream in fragments, in pieces, in wishes; I feel I dream mostly of the past, embellished, complicated, and unresolved.”

Do you have a favourite scent?
“For some reason, I’ve always liked Suave Waterlily shampoo. I don’t know if I’d call it my favorite scent, but something about it is very grounding. It makes me feel… like myself. I can’t even begin to explain it. One sniff, and I’m infused with a sensation of ‘home.’ I also like the smell of pine forests on hot days, dusty roads, onions and peppers sizzling in a pan, oatmeal cooking with lots of spices, coffee brewing, cat fur, the warm skin or hair of a partner, the way the air smells before it snows, cigarette smoke lingering in clothing, etc.”

Do you ever wish you could just run away?
“I’ve wished such things at some point, yes. But I have no current wish to run away. To travel, maybe; to explore; to move beyond where I am—but there will be no running involved. Only wandering, immersing, seeing, learning, internalizing, and growing.”

Do you have a favourite album?
“I have an album that jumps to mind every time this question is asked, and that would be Hagnesta Hill by Kent, although there are other albums (by them) (by others) of which I’m fond as well.”

What’s the last thing you said to the person you like?
“N/a.”

Is there anything you wish you were better at?
“I want to be better at communicating in interesting and sustainable methods. I don’t want to have dead-end conversations where I unintentionally leave people with no way or no desire to respond. I wish I was better at being a good friend, at sticking up for myself, at explaining what I needed (and being able to work around obstacles when I can’t get exactly what I need), at holding myself accountable, at being brave, at managing my time, at drawing, at focusing, etc.”

Bass, acoustic, or electric guitar?
“I have a side that likes acoustic music and a side that prefers heavier electronic stuff.”

What’s the last bad thing to happen to you?
“I’m not sure. Things have been pretty good lately, as I’ve mentioned. Whatever bad might have occurred would’ve been minor and not worth much complaint. Mostly, it’s just me being snappy when I get stressed or anxious over small things, which is something I’m definitely trying to tone down now that things *have* settled significantly. I don’t know when I became so histrionic and impatient, but it’s got to mellow out—and fast. I feel like a royal brat! Ahh!”

What’s your favourite kind of juice?
“Cranberry juice.”

What’s something you’re passionate about?
“Nature, backpacking, the wilderness, gardening, wishing for a more practical, plant-based, nature-based, compassionate, inclusive, supportive, and creative society that aims to see all members thrive in their own ways.”

Have you ever thought you were going to die?
“Yes.”

What’s your biggest insecurity?
“My biggest insecurities involve not feeling good enough, mature enough, capable enough, or interesting enough to integrate with today’s world. I worry that I’ll always be someone who sits off to the side, lonesome and murky, strange and unknowable, stupid and silent. I worry people will pity me when I don’t want them to.”

Do you like any strange foods?
“Mm, I don’t think so. Nothing especially strange. I like to put potato chips on my peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Well, not on the sandwiches themselves, exactly. I like to break off a little bit of chip, set it where I’m going to bite, then bite the sandwich, chip, and chew them together. It’s, uh, texturally pleasing. :’) This question reminds me that I haven’t had that in forever, though.”

When’s the last time you were genuinely scared?
“I’m not sure when or why I was last genuinely scared.”

Do you have a sweet tooth?
“Occasionally, yes, otherwise I tend to prefer things of a savory variety.”

Are heaven and hell something you believe in?
“Not as literal locations, no. But as metaphors or concepts or ways to describe a state of being—sure.”