4/2/2013;
Does it bother you when people beg?
“Beg for what, exactly? I don’t often encounter anyone begging. I suppose it would depend on the circumstances. Like, if someone was in a great deal of physical pain and was begging for some sort of relief, I’m not going to be annoyed by their expressions. I’d feel bad for them. And consider myself lucky not to be in such a state. But if it was someone begging me for something I felt was unreasonable, petty, or inconsequential, and they weren’t just begging but being rude and demanding as well, then, yes, it would bother me and probably make me uncomfortable.”
Do you have any plans this summer?
“I have no plans that are set in stone, but I do hope to be in a healthy enough state to go hiking and backpacking. It would be wonderful if I could challenge Quandary Peak again, or another peak of similar difficulty. I’d also love to try Pike’s Peak, but that’s a several day excursion based on my daily distance capacity. I want to return to Goodwin or Comanche Lake as well. Those spots are becoming something of a tradition: it wouldn’t be a proper season if I didn’t go.”
Do you like hot dogs?
“Kind of. I used to hate them. I’d love the smell, but actually eating them wasn’t particularly appealing. In more recent years, I’ve developed more of a tolerance for them, although I rarely ever have them (and wouldn’t now, considering I no longer eat meat). I used to think they were alright cut in half (length-wise, so they were less thick), on a good bun, topped with onions, and dipped in mustard.”
When was the last time you shaved your legs?
“I don’t remember the last time I would have shaved my legs. Several years ago, at least.”
Are you a fan of Miranda Cosgrove?
“I’m not. I’m not even sure who she is.”
How many more months until your birthday?
“It’s around eleven and a half months away. My birthday is March fourteenth (so I’ve basically just had it).”
Will next Friday be a good one?
“So far, I have no reason to believe it will be anything out of the ordinary—which means it should be a pretty good but uneventful day. I may have plans to go to coffee with my dad, my brother, and my brother’s boyfriend Tyler, but there’s a chance that will be happening on Thursday instead. We still haven’t solidified the plans.”
How many cell phones have you had?
“I’ve had three different cell phones: a cheap flip Nokia phone I got when I was seventeen; a red Juke that was bought to replace the Nokia (which was accidentally flushed down the toilet on Christmas day; I had it in a front pocket and it slipped out while I was bent over); then a Motorola Rival, which is my present phone, though it’s no longer in service.”
When was the last time something bothered you?
“Yesterday. It wasn’t exactly an immediate situation, though. More like… feeling overwhelmed by mental clutter, and not knowing how to diminish or deal with or move on from the pain of some things, stuff like that. The day itself was fine and generally non-bothersome.”
When it’s your birthday, do you hope it’s a good one?
“Well, yes. Why would I wish for it to be a bad one? That doesn’t seem at all productive. Most of the time, even if I feel like a birthday might not be spectacular, I try to make the most of it and make it pleasantly memorable.”
Can you speak French or Spanish?
“No, I can’t. I took German in high school and continued practicing occasionally outside of school, so I can speak and understand a bit of that. I also taught myself a decent amount of Swedish. My grammar is probably the most horrible thing ever, but I have a pretty good understanding when it comes to reading the language (or singing along with certain favorite bands~).”
Do you own a pair of yellow socks?
“No, I don’t.”
What school year do you think will be/was the saddest?
“My saddest year was probably my “senior year” at East (I had only enough credits to qualify as a sophomore—to explain the quotes). It was a new school, so I didn’t really know anyone. I was absent a lot for doctor’s appointments, which required trips to Denver, which was a couple hours away—ensuring I’d miss almost a full day of school on a weekly basis, and that was without factoring in absences from migraines and anxiety issues. I was uncomfortable in my skin and soul. I felt out of place. One of my teachers disliked me for a reason I could never decipher. It was just a weird, lonely, unhappy time. I was also with Josh around then, so there was the added stress and pain from that relationship. I was relieved when I finally dropped out and got my GED.”
Have you ever passed out?
“I have—a number of times.”
Was today someone’s birthday that you know?
“No.”
If you found out you were pregnant, who would you tell?
“I’m trying to think of any realistic circumstance under which I’d want to be pregnant, and… err. Like, the only way I can picture this happening is if something horrible happens to me, in which case I’d tell my dad and a doctor and whoever else needed to be involved in the process of terminating it—since to go through with a pregnancy in my state would be madness, and only result in shattering me further. Assuming I wanted to be pregnant, though (in some strange, hypothetical future world where I’m healed and willing to have children), I’d tell the people involved in my life at the time—my partner, my dad, my friends, etc.”
Have you ever caught something on fire?
“Wood, cigarette tips, candle wicks, little pieces of paper, things like that, yes. I’ve also accidentally burned holes in my clothes with cigarettes, and I’ve singed off my eyelashes with a lighter before. I’ve never seriously caught anything on fire that I didn’t intend to burn, however.”
Do you have pet goats?
“No, but I wish I did. I could totally picture myself on a ranch with a vegetable garden, a couple of goats and a chicken coop.”
What’s the last song you downloaded?
“I’m not sure. I almost never download music. I just listen to it online, or listen to files I have already.”
If you smoke weed, what’s the last thing you smoked out of?
“A pipe.”
What’s the last thing someone said to you that really upset you?
“It’s been a while since anyone’s said anything to really upset me.”
When was the last time you were so drunk you blacked out?
“I’ve never been so drunk as to black out. The last time I puked from drinking, though, was something like two years ago.”
In what form of communication did you last use to talk to the person you’re currently interested in?
“I have no current romantic interest, but the last form of communication I used to talk to friends was the internet / Tumblr’s messaging system.”
Where have you been most of today?
“At home—either in my room, or downstairs grabbing coffee refills and having short chats with my dad.”
What are you thinking about right now?
“I’m thinking about what I want to have for breakfast, and what I wish to do while eating (whether I want to read or scroll through more of my dashboard). I’m also thinking about how to handle food for the rest of the day… I should probably make a meal-plan outline after I’m finished with breakfast. I’m thinking as well about the upcoming plans with my brother, about work tomorrow, about the way things are between my mom and I, about people I miss, about people I’m fond of, television shows (Game of Thrones, Neon Genesis Evangelion). All kinds of things, actually. Once I start to think, my mind will spin off forever, endlessly.”
Is it warm outside?
“I don’t know. I haven’t been outside yet today. It looks pretty chilly, though. It’s overcast.”
Are you the youngest person living in your home?
“Yes, I am.”
Last time you ate?
“The last time I ate was around 9-10PM, yesterday. I had a snack of frosted animal crackers and cinnamon-glazed almonds before going to bed.”
Are you annoyed with anyone in your house?
“No. I sometimes feel impatient with my dad, but then I realize it’s just my own feelings / attitude / situation; it’s got nothing to do with him—so every time I snap, I try to apologize as quickly as possible, as well as stop myself before I get to the point of being irritable.”
Have you ever wondered what it’s like to have sex on a trampoline?
“I haven’t really even thought about it until now. I’ve kissed and cuddled on a trampoline, so I guess I just assumed sex would be similar. I’m more interested in having sex in the woods, though, honestly. Dirt under my fingernails, in my fists, pine needles clinging to my back, in my hair, sun on my skin, warm moss and earth below me…”
What is the weirdest music video you’ve ever seen?
“Hmm, I’m not sure. I don’t pay a whole lot of attention to music videos, and I haven’t seen very many.”
Do you know anyone who’s done ecstasy?
“Not anymore, but I’ve known a couple of people who did.”
Are you on birth control?
“No, I’m not.”
How many houses have you lived in?
“Two houses (or three: I’m not sure what we lived in when we lived in California for a few months when I was just a baby), two duplexes, and an apartment.”
What are you doing for your next birthday?
“I have no idea.”
What are your plans for tomorrow?
“I’ve got Pueblo Diversified from 11-12, but other than that, I don’t really have any plans.”
Who is the last person you had a face to face conversation with?
“The last person I had a face-to-face conversation with was my dad.”
Was yesterday better than today?
“I have a feeling they’ll be about equal, unless something really good or really terrible happens to make today more distinguishable.”
Are you good at Sudoku puzzles?
“I’ve never done one before, so I have no idea how good I’d be.”
Are you allergic to anything?
“Not as far as I know.”
Do you drink coffee?
“I do. I drink entirely too much coffee—as if there could be such a thing.”
Who’s in the room with you?
“Esther’s curled up on my bed. (One of our cats.)”
Are you afraid of getting old?
“No, aging is not a fear of mine.”
Do you have any plants in your house?
“None that are living. There are dried reeds, seed pods, and such in vases in my bedroom, as well as on the kitchen table. And there’s a twist of dried out cactus on my dresser.”
Do you have a job?
“Yes, kind of. It’ll feel more like a job when I have more hours.”
What did you do to celebrate last Valentine’s Day?
“I made a white chocolate, peanut, pretzel, and sprinkle “brittle” treat, which was really good. Other than that, it was a day much like any other.”
4/2/2013;
[Survey made by heybrittanysurveys @ xanga]
What are some things that you are influenced by other people’s opinions on?
“It depends. I mean, ultimately, I’m going to come to my own conclusion about something regardless of what opinion anyone else has on the matter (even if I keep it silently to myself), but there are plenty of situations in which I’ll take suggestions, advice (assuming it’s asked for and not given carelessly, ignorantly, or as a way for someone else to make themselves feel better about themselves [cloaked passive-aggression and the like]), or recommendations—for things such as books, food, movies, shows, travel destinations, etc. Also, unfortunately, I do seem to be somewhat swayed by opinions others have about society (what it means to be a contributing member) (what it means to be successful) (what makes a real job / real dream), which can lead to feelings of inferiority, doubt, and guilt, but I try to remember that I don’t have to meet such expectations just because others wish to pursue them. I can lead a different sort of existence, and it can still be fulfilling, meaningful, and interesting.
What is the last new thing that you heard about that you are excited for?
“Well, I’ve recently been excited for season three of Game of Thrones. I was able to find a site on which to watch the first episode yesterday evening. I was so happy I could have cried, since I’m not normally able to locate things like that on my own—not without contracting a zillion Trojan viruses. I just have the worst computer luck, understanding, navigational skills, whatever. But, yes, I was ecstatic. Tears of joy. The opening song—it just… gets to me. /Little sob.”
Is there any discrepancy between who you are and who you feel you should be?
“I’m not entirely sure who (or how) I “should be.” Nor am I really sure who I am. However, yes—there are differences between what I am like now and what my life is like presently, and where I wish it would be. I’m in the long and arduous (yet occasionally immensely rewarding) process of learning more about myself, as well as working to heal, and to eventually, hopefully, close those gaps. I wish to be more independent, patient, creative, self-sufficient, self-reliant, stable, whole, adventurous, spontaneous… yet, currently, I feel more frightened, uncertain, isolative, rigid, careful, dependent, obsessive, and irritable.”
Is there anything on the internet that hackers could dig up that would possibly keep you from being elected President?
“As in something other than the simple fact that I’m me? I’m obviously not Presidential material, so I’m not clear as to why anyone would require a hacker to prove that. All you have to to is take a glimpse at my Tumblr to realize I’m a young individual learning to live with mental disorders, not someone seeking to or capable of handling this country’s affairs. In general, though, no, I don’t think there’s really anything of mine online, or anything with which I am associated, that could land me in a lot of trouble.”
When you re-read a novel, do you imagine it differently or exactly the same as you imagined it the first time?
“It’ll never be exactly the same as the first time, but it’s likely my visions will remain similar. I may catch more details the next time (or the next-next time) around—more dialogue, more subtleties, more plot twists that may have eluded me during my first bulk absorption—but, mostly, the images and character depictions will stay the same (or grow only more vibrant and involved: I may envision more of the setting, things like that). If the book is also a TV show or film, however, that can dramatically influence how I view a story. For instance, I started reading Harry Potter before the films, but, once those came out, any HP book I read or reread adopted the character styles from the movies, rather than the original depictions I’d come up with out of my own head. Basically, a novel may grow or expand or change with each rereading, and it may mean something different to me each time (The Egyptian certainly means more to me now than it did when I was a kid), but my mind will never transform it into an utterly different tale. The foundation will remain, even if my feelings change.”
Are there any famous actors/actresses that you liked in their early days? What projects of theirs do you wish had skyrocketed them to fame, rather than the one(s) that did?
“Can’t say there are. Honestly, I’m not especially interested in actors, actresses… famous people in general. I recognize they’re still human, still deserving of respect, but I don’t find their lives or their endeavors to be of much interest to me—not beyond watching the shows in which they play and the characters they play, anyway. I don’t know, I’ve just never really cared enough to follow along with any of them very closely.”
If you find an opportunity to do something that you may enjoy, but you are less than confident in your skills to succeed, are you more likely to try it anyway or to back away and hope it will still be there once you are more capable?
“It depends on what the opportunity entails. There are some things I’m willing to try without the guarantee of success (backpacking and mountain-climbing and other predominantly solo activities that don’t require my efforts to be on display for others to scrutinize or evaluate), but there are other things that would make me much more wary, and, yes, I’d be likely to allow someone more suited to slip into my place if I felt inept.”
Has someone you’ve dated in the past become engaged or married, now? What do you think about that?
“Yes, a couple of my past partners are married (or were married the last time I knew what was going on in their lives). One has a kid who is probably almost five years old now—had with the individual with whom he’d cheated on me. I don’t think much of anything about either situation, really. I did feel a twinge of “what if” when it came to my first partner—what if it had been us; what if we’d stayed together; what if this, what if that; but it amounted to no more than a fleeting feeling because we’d not seen one another in so long. And when it came to the other, well, their relationship happened during and so soon after our breakup that I’ve long since had time to come to terms with the resulting feelings, as well as the feelings I had pertaining to his and my relationship (although I have a suspicion I’m still half-consciously / subconsciously trying to resolve some of the things that he did—rewire myself a bit, shut down the old channels, old beliefs, the lies that abusive relationship taught me that I started to hold true).”
Is it easy for you to be excited for other people’s achievements, especially when it is something you would like to achieve but have not?
“Yes! It really is. I’ve often described myself as an emotional sponge, so if someone’s accomplishments are making them outwardly happy, giddy, excited, and celebratory, then chances are I’ll feel similarly enthused over their opportunities and achievements. If it’s something I’ve really, really wanted for a long while and fear I shall never achieve, though, or if it’s one of those things that just nags me, eats away at me, and reminds me of what I’ll never have or never be, a constant insecurity… then that might be a little harder to smile through. I’ll still try, since I’ll recognize it’s my own jealousy showing through, but… still. Like, if someone else told me they were writing a book, I might be like “oh” (because, for some reason, it makes me feel weird to be surrounded by other people who write as a passion—like I can’t think straight; it’s the same with singing) but if someone told me they’d hiked the Appalachian Trail, I’d want to know every last thing about their journey.”
What is something that happened a while ago, but still pleases you to this day?
“Hmm, I guess something like hiking Quandary Peak by myself. I’m still glad I took that chance.”
Are there any random movie or television scenes that you watched as a kid that stick with you today?
“There’s a scene from The Angry Beavers where Norbert and Daggett are watching some horror film, and there’s, like, this spleen / hand / thumb thing crawling on the floor, and I don’t know, but that’s been lodged in my head for far too many years. There are also some rather gross scenes from Ren and Stimpy that have survived the ages, though I couldn’t possibly describe them. Oh, and there’s this one from an episode of Rugrats where Angelica’s mom says something to someone she’s talking to on the phone, like, “well my favorite’s always been Angora”—which I think is the episode where Angelica has that breakdown about not being the favorite kid, but it’s been so long I can’t clearly recall that either.”
Does it bother you or make you less likely to watch a reality show when you learn about how fake/staged it is? Do you wish that there were more actually “real” reality shows out there, or do you not mind as long as you are entertained?
“I rarely watch reality shows. I’m trying to remember the last one I would have watched, and I’m coming up blank. I think it would bother me to know they were mostly staged, yes, especially in situations where real reactions would be more insightful or meaningful. I do like documentaries, however, if those would qualify.”
What are the last three pages/people you liked on Facebook and why?
“I don’t believe I’ve ever liked a page / person on Facebook.”
Have you ever found someone to be more visually ugly after they have wronged you, or you’ve learned that they’re not so great of a person?
“No. My perception of someone’s physical attributes doesn’t necessarily change after they’ve wrong me, or after my impression of their personality changes. For instance, I don’t suddenly find past partners to be ugly when I once found them attractive. Frankly, that just sounds like bitterness, but I could be misunderstanding what you mean. They still look the same (or mostly the same), after all. It’s only my relationship with them and how we interact that’s changed. I don’t view their bodies the same way I once did (there’s not the closeness, the tenderness, the affection, etc), I don’t view the person as I once did, but jksdfjsdk ahh! I just don’t see why your outward appearance should have anything to do with… anything? It seems like getting into a fight with someone and trying to use something like being fat, ugly, or deformed as some sort of a legitimate insult because they hurt you. And… I can’t explain quite what I mean, but. Glub-glub.”
Do you know anyone who has become famous, even to a minimal degree? If so, does it make you feel positive about their success and your relationship or does it make you feel negative about what you could have accomplished or even that you wish you could be experiencing it?
“No, I don’t know anyone who’s become famous.”
How do you feel about controversial parenting issues, like the growing trend of parents declining to vaccinate their children? What about a parent’s decision to keep their kids from school (“unschooling” or “natural learning”)? Are there any other parenting issues you feel strongly about?
“I’m not a parent or planning on being one, so I haven’t given much thought to the idea of people not vaccinating their children. I don’t know what the real repercussions or benefits could be, if any. As for the idea of keeping children from the traditional school system, I can speak from my own experience in the sense that I probably would have fared better / learned better / developed and unfolded better in an environment different from what I had. Something more natural, less crowded, less restrictive, less regimented, rule-oriented, grade-oriented, and so on and so forth. I also get weary of people blurting out how home-schooled kids aren’t socialized. I feel like that’s a myth. There are still neighborhood friends, sports, other city-based activities, and all kinds of opportunities to meet their peers. School is not the only place to interact, so as long as the parents are capable of bringing up a well-rounded kid, I really don’t see the problem.”
Thinking of the last movie you watched, what is something you really liked and what is something you wish had been different?
“Was it The Skeleton Key? Or maybe The Village? Wow, that was a long time ago. I can’t believe I haven’t watched anything since then. I’ve watched shows, but not films. Hmm. /Surprised. Ugh, I still need to see The Hobbit. And I call myself a fan of the book. =___=; Jeez. Oddly, though, what I really want to do is watch Rise of the Guardians again.”
Have you ever taken a philosophy course? How did you enjoy it?
“No, I haven’t. I used to love the idea of philosophy, but I think I’ve wearied of it, actually.”
Do you have any friends that you end up feeling worse off after hanging out with them? Like they just make you feel bad about yourself or things in general?
“No, I don’t. Most of my friends make me feel pretty good about myself, or they make me forget my own troubles for a while.”
Have you ever had a friend that was pretty much the worst friend ever? What kept you staying friends with them for as long as you did?
“They weren’t the worst friend ever (I can imagine much more awful things they could have done), but I guess I remained friends with that individual because I didn’t know what else to do. I didn’t feel like I could say I was done being their friend, since it wasn’t like breaking up with a partner, and I was young and confused and hurting and already kind of lonely, so I guess I just stuck with what I had.”
Does it bother you in the slightest when you hear of celebrities/band members you like “falling from grace”?
“As I’ve said, I only like celebrities on a somewhat superficial level. However, I feel for anyone experiencing hardship, and I wish them the best—love, care, people to support them, people to be there for them, people to show them how wonderful they are, and all that good stuff. I don’t feel like it’s my place to judge them, though, or to call their experiences a “fall from grace” or anything like that. Gah, fame is so weird. The way the masses treat famous people is weird. Just, jskdfjdsk, their lives are not yours to control, invade, judge, pick apart…”
Do you find that it ruins the song a bit when a specific name is mentioned? How about if the song is about a person who shares a name with someone you know?
“No? Why would that ruin the song? Just because something doesn’t relate to me specifically doesn’t mean it’s somehow worse, bad, or ruined. However, I can say that if there was a song mentioning the names of certain people I knew, it probably wouldn’t be as appealing to me as one that evoked less specific memories. Or, who knows, it might be doubly appealing in a strangely cathartic way. I guess it depends on the song, although I can’t think of any such that exists.”
Do you ever just get a “bad feeling,” something like an overwhelming sense of dread or fear?
“This is often a multiple-times-daily occurrence.”
3/31/2013;
Do you ever feel curious about how people see you?
“I feel curious to an almost unhealthy extent, I think. I’m almost constantly wondering—or worrying—about how others see me, my life, my decisions, my preferences, presentation, whatever; I over-think my ‘outside’ appearance (not to be confused with my ‘physical’ appearance) to an inhibiting degree. It’s something I’m trying to get away from doing. And, lately, I think I’ve noticed some progress. I’ve been more willing to do things I previously considered too embarrassing / shaming / revealing / vulnerability inducing / etc. I’ve still got a long way to go; I still lean heavily on the opinions of others; but I think I’m starting to find my own voice, my own stance, my own way of being.”
Overall, do you like the school you attend? If you do attend a school.
“I’m not in school.”
Listen. What do you here around you right now?
“Soft whirring sounds coming from the computer. A vehicle driving past. And another following it. The sound of the keys as I type. Karenna’s footfalls on the floor; her meowing as I look over at her; and, now, her scratching the computer chair on the opposite side of this table. Another car.”
Have you ever had a dream that was so weird, you woke up laughing?
“No, I’ve never had a dream from which I’ve woken laughing. This does remind me of a weird experience I had where I woke up crying, though. I was asleep on the office floor one night after watching a documentary, and dad came in at some point to wake me to go upstairs because he’d be up early the next morning and didn’t want to bother me then, and, apparently, when I woke, I just …cried, and basically sobbed my way upstairs without saying anything. I had no recollection of it in the morning; I had to hear of it through my dad—who was equally confused—and I was just like… wow, self. I don’t even know what would have caused that, since I woke up in the morning in a good mood, and I can’t remember having any bad dreams that night, so… it’s curious.”
Is it awkward when you see a person you were once close with in public?
“It probably would be (assuming we did more than just wave and pass by one another with a quick hello), but I seem to have avoided this occurrence for the most part. Not venturing into public often (or not venturing into public places where past friends would be inclined to go) probably has something to do with diminishing those opportunities.”
What show did you watch the most when you were a child?
“The shows I watched changed with age (or with some other, more subtle sort of shifting; something that can’t exactly be marked with ‘age’ so simply, but, anyway—); favorites along the way were Rugrats, Legends of the Hidden Temple, Are You Afraid of the Dark?, Doug, AHH! Real Monsters, Dragon Ball Z, Franklin, Little Bear, Gundam Wing, Pokemon, Yu-Gi-Oh, and Yu Yu Hakusho.”
Have you ever done something so horrible, you hated yourself for it?
“I don’t hate myself for those things. One thing that still makes me ashamed happened when I was a little kid, and I would never do something like that again, so even though it feels bad, it’s part of the past, it’s done, it’s unchangeable. Most recently, I feel horrible for how things ended up between myself and my ex. I know the relationship couldn’t have been spared; just being in it was causing me to deteriorate rapidly; but I wish ending it didn’t mean sending my ex back to their previous circumstances. I know it wasn’t my job to save them from their reality, but—still. It’s something with which I wrestle. Either way, I felt like I was wrong, or making the wrong decision, so… Blah. In the end, I keep coming back to the fact that we weren’t healthy for one another, and it wasn’t going to improve. There was nothing else I could have done but end it, whatever anyone else might think of it, whoever it hurt (I mean, I got hurt too; it wasn’t a painless severing). I have to recognize that I’m not forever or completely at fault because the relationship didn’t work out. And I know this is kind of a ranty paragraph, but I feel like I’m arriving at an epiphany. I don’t owe them anything. They put me up on a fucking pedestal right from the beginning, spun me visions of things they had no intention of ever making true—not the first try, not the second, or third; so, no—I don’t owe them a damn thing. Especially after that one night. Ugh, if I ever needed proof that they weren’t good for me, I just have to reference how they treated me when I was in a seriously fragile, unhinged, and suicidal state, which eventually led to some of my uglier self-harm / panic episodes. jksdfjsdkf. I’m basically done feeling so apologetic and guilty. I just need to sweep up the stupid remnants of those structures.”
Do you have an all time favorite song? If so, what is it?
“Yes, I do. Stoppa Mig Juni (Lilla Ego) by kent. I never in my life expected to have a true favorite song until I heard that one. It’s quite special to me. It also uses two of my most-favorite words.”
What’s your favorite time of the year?
“Late spring to early summer; the warm, clement days. The last third of autumn, when the leaves are transformed and well into the process of falling. Midsummer, when all I want to do is go backpacking. Winter, during the holiday season.”
Has anyone ever told you that you were a mistake?
“I haven’t been told I, myself, was a mistake, but I’ve been told that being with me was a mistake, or doing certain things with me was a mistake—things like that.”
What’s your favorite social networking site?
“Would Tumblr count? It’s really the only site with social interaction that I use anymore.”
What was the last thing you ate?
“The last thing I ate was half of an English muffin and a vegetarian sausage patty.”
Ever just wanted to run away and come back and everything was fine?
“Sure, I’ve had wishes similar to that before—or at least along that same general concept. I’ve wanted to shut out the world, escape, hibernate, and somehow come back and have everything be fixed and right and livable again. Of course, that never really works as well as I hope it might.”
Do you like being hot or cold better?
“I don’t really prefer either one, but lately I’m tired of being cold all the time. I’ll take the dry heat of summer. I’ll just laze around on my bed like a sweaty lump, but at least it’ll be a change from cold, stiff fingers and shivering indoors.”
Are you one of those people who constantly redecorates?
“No, I’m not.”
What’s your favorite quote about life?
“I don’t have a favorite quite about life in particular.”
Is there a book you have read that you absolutely HAVE to read again?
“I’m thinking of eventually rereading Maia by Richard Adams.”
Do you like long surveys or short surveys better?
“I like surveys with somewhere between 25 to 50 questions. Usually, I look for surveys that give me a well-rounded opportunity to talk about what’s going on in my life, how I feel, what I’m thinking about, watching, listening to, dreaming of, wishing for, etc. A mix of simple and thought-provoking.”
What’s one word that you can never seem to spell right?
“I can’t think of one. Plus, with spell-check, there’s almost no word I can’t eventually spell correctly.”
Do you give simple answers to questions, or well thought out ones?
“Sometimes I give simple answers, and sometimes I give more well thought out ones. It just depends how much the question interests or relates to me, or how much energy I have available to put into my responses. Sometimes my brain dies and I can’t think; other times, it’s like I have a hundred tangents I want to follow off into oblivion.”
What’s your favorite music genre?
“I don’t know.”
Do you have a friend that you cannot stand but you still love them?
“If I couldn’t stand a person, it’s not likely I’d stick around, honestly.”
Is life really like a box of chocolates?
“I guess it depends on how you feel about life and how you feel about a box of chocolates. I understand the metaphor, but I don’t relate to the representation of the chocolate. I actually like pretty much every piece that comes in a box, whatever flavor it is (and there’s usually a chart, so I DO know what I’m getting); that’s not always the case with what I’m given in life.”
Do you have a favorite store? What is it?
“Hmm, I’m not sure. Probably different thrift stores—Goodwill (for clothes), New Horizons (for dishes). Barnes & Noble.”
What are your thoughts on people who call themselves or others emo?
“That’s all fine and dandy…?”
What’s your biggest pet peeve?
“I’m not sure anymore.”
Would you consider yourself open minded, or close minded?
“It depends on the situation and context. I’m not going to be open-minded about everything. I’m not even really sure what that’s supposed to mean. I do think I’m generally accepting of other ideas, diversity, and that sort of thing, though, so I guess I’m open-minded in that regard. I’m not so open-minded when it comes to change or new environments (unless they’re natural—those are nice and I adapt quickly).”
Do you like Instant Messenger programs?
“No, I don’t. They were created to be the bane of my existence, I think.”
Are you religious? If so, what religion are you?
“I’m the Moss King, and my religion is what the tree roots tell me.”
3/31/2013;
+: THREE THINGS:
Favorite Bands
♫ - - - Kent.
♫ - - - Radiohead.
♫ - - - Sigur Rós.
Favorite Songs
♫ - - - Stoppa Mig Juni (Lilla Ego) - Kent.
♫ - - - Bright Eyes - Simon & Garfunkel.
♫ - - - Salka - Sigur Rós.
Favorite Shows
♫ - - - Game of Thrones.
♫ - - - Metalocalypse.
♫ - - - Neon Genesis Evangelion.
Favorite Movies
♫ - - - Princess Mononoke.
♫ - - - Requiem for a Dream.
♫ - - - The Fountain.
Favorite Books
♫ - - - A Song of Ice and Fire series - George R. R. Martin.
♫ - - - Watership Down - Richard Adams.
♫ - - - The Egyptian - Mika Waltari.
Favorite Animals
♫ - - - Cats.
♫ - - - Moths.
♫ - - - Seals.
Favorite Games
♫ - - - Rock Band / Guitar Hero.
♫ - - - Dragon Age.
♫ - - - Dance Dance Revolution.
Favorite Colors to Wear Together
♫ - - - Various shades of pink—generally either very bright or pastel.
♫ - - - Black, white, or greys.
♫ - - - Other pale or pastel colors.
Favorite Colors in General
♫ - - - Pine green.
♫ - - - Minty sea-foam green.
♫ - - - Halcyon sky blue.
+: ABOUT YOU:
How many times have you seen your favorite band live?
“I’ve never seen my favorite band live, and likely never will—not unless I’m miraculously in Sweden or the surrounding areas when they happen to go on tour, which, unfortunately, I don’t see happening. I want to travel there so badly (and not just for music-related purposes, but for the whole picture: history, culture, architecture, geography, people, food, etc), but who knows when or if I’ll ever be capable of that. By then, Kent could have broken up. They’ve been around for almost 20 years already, so it wouldn’t be surprising. Ahh, gosh, though—I’m not looking forward to that time. I don’t ever want to learn that they’re done making music. Like, they’re my first true favorite band. The first that ever really related to and resonated with me as they do. When they disband, it will be heartbreaking. I will likely cry and feel hollow—and probably have a hard time listening to them for a while, knowing that there will never be anything new from them again.”
Have you ever been on an airplane?
“Yes, I have been. The first time was when I was a baby, so I have no recollection of it. The next (and still most recent) time was when I was eleven: we traveled to California (San Francisco and Santa Cruz for vacationing purposes; to San Jose as well, to attend the wedding of my father’s best friend from high school). I remember I was carrying one of my Vegeta action figures almost everywhere at the time, so I had him with me in the airport. I remember as well the packaged peanuts—which were surprisingly good. And my ears popping / hurting—which was less than pleasant, but still tolerable. Also, airplanes have a really memorable and nostalgic smell to them.”
Do you have any pets?
“We have three cats—Fluffy, Esther, and Karenna.”
Do you ever want kids?
“No, I don’t think so. I doubt I’ll ever be in a position or condition—mentally, physically, or otherwise—where having children will seem like a feasible or fulfilling thing to do. I can barely take care of myself properly, so it would be extremely unfair to bring a child into the world before making sure my own life was in order. Even then, I’m not sure I would have the fortitude necessary to be a parent, or the skills, advice, or life-experience needed to give them a solid foundation and identity. Still, there are moments when the notion of children sounds appealing—in some vague, distant, never-going-to-happen kind of way. I don’t dislike kids or anything like that, so it’s not like I’m sitting here scowling about what awful little burdens they are. But I wouldn’t want to be like my mom, and leave or make myself unavailable when they needed me. I’ve seen what kind of damage being an absent parent can do, so if I don’t trust myself to be perfectly supportive, if I don’t trust myself not to hurt my kid because of my own shortcomings, it’s not going to happen. It wouldn’t be right.”
What’s the last game you played?
“I think the last game I played was either Rock Band 2 or Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock.”
What is your natural hair color?
“My natural hair color is blond—regardless of what my roots reveal. :’)”
What colors have you dyed it, if you have?
“Yes, definitely, many times: various reds (from more natural shades to ‘fire engine’), purple, pink, turquoise, electric blue, lime green, black, auburn… We also had this temporary / wash-out sparkling silver pinkish ‘dye,’ which we used for some school celebration, although I now forget what it would have been. Probably some crazy hair day / Spirit Day or something of the sort. I know it wasn’t for a sports game, since no school colors are pink and silver—as far as I’m aware.”
How do you usually do your make up?
“I hardly do anything at all. The only thing I use is a big, fat eye-crayon I got at Hot Topic years ago—so I’m surprised it hasn’t run out by now. I apply it as eyeliner, then I use my finger to dab it on as eye-shadow.”
What makes you feel comfortable?
“Knowing what’s expected of me or what’s generally going on around me. Cozy, soft, fuzzy clothing, blankets, or pillows. Warm sun on my skin. Having my back rubbed by a hypothetical lover. Reading in bed. Sitting in the passenger seat of a vehicle while riding through the countryside, watching the landscape trail by. Being told I’m loved / liked / cared about for who I am. Having plans, or some method of occupying myself—distractions, etc.”
Are you easily scared?
“I don’t know if I’m easily scared, exactly. But I am easily overwhelmed, flustered, frustrated, daunted, etc.”
What holiday do you enjoy most?
“I think I probably enjoy Halloween the most, since—at least these past few years—it’s been the most interactive. My family hardly celebrates any holiday anymore (we barely even acknowledge them; Easter, for instance, is slipping by almost silently), so Hallween is my way of still immersing myself. I carve pumpkins, decorate as well as I can, and buy bunches of bags of candy for all the hundreds of trick-or-treaters our corner tends to receive. I also enjoy Christmas, especially for the lights displays.”
Do you have a job?
“I don’t know what I would call the program at Pueblo Diversified. I struggle to call it a real job because other people probably wouldn’t refer to it as such, but, based on my current abilities, it’s what I’m able to sustain, so—yes.”
What do you want to do with your life?
“I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of my life. I’m still trying to figure that out—structurally, anyway—that way I’m not floundering in mid-adulthood much the way I am now, wondering where to go or what to do with myself (although I think my common state is one of floundering, so… I may be a neurotic, flailing old man—if I make it that far: I may sooner implode). I have dreams of backpacking and travel, photography, writing, gardening, and owning some sort of hiker’s hostel / bed & breakfast, though. I just don’t know how to get from here (—where I’m sick, scared, reclusive, and inexperienced) to where I want to be.”
Are you in school?
“No, I’m not.”
Is there any jewelry you wear all the time?
“My lip-piercing jewelry, basically, and an Italian charm bracelet I’ve had since I was around fifteen.”
What shampoo/conditioner do you use?
“Suave, or whatever dad happens to buy.”
Do you use other hair products?
“Hairspray, hair dye—and the conditioner that comes with it.”
Do you get along with your siblings?
“I do, yes. It’s been a long time since I’ve been able to say that, so it feels good.”
What are some of your hobbies?
“Writing, journal-keeping, scrapbooking, hiking and backpacking, photography, cooking, reading, gardening, etc.”
Have you ever shot a gun?
“At Camp Jackson, yes. We shot rifles at targets.”
Do you like glow-in-the-dark things?
“I do, yes. I need to find some new glow-in-the-dark stars for this bedroom. There are huge expanses of wall that are begging to look like swirling galaxies.”
Do you believe in ghosts?
“I don’t know what I believe regarding ghosts. All I can say is I’ve never personally witnessed one, nor anything I would consider beyond the ordinary.”
What are your current obsessions?
“Halle—my forever obsession. [♥] Um, NGE—which I just started really watching recently. I’d tried to watch it on YouTube initially (ughjskdjf; no good), but then I found an anime site on which to watch it, and that’s been going well. Overnight oats. Smoothies. Pink. Looking into veganism / raw veganism. Moss. Warmth. Nature. Wanting to be held.”
Do you like your life as it is right now?
“My feelings about my life fluctuate too often and too wildly for me to express them accurately in terms of a single moment. I am grateful to be alive and here, however—I can be (mostly) sure of that much. My situation needs work, but I’m learning how to make the most of it, appreciate it for what it is, as well as for the journey to what it will become. Like, I think I am growing toward the point of truly liking my life, whereas before I think I was just muddling through the motions. I wasn’t happy, even though I was trying to be. Now, I feel like I may have a shot at cultivating wholeness. More clarity; more courage; more willingness.”
Do you trust easily?
“I don’t know how to explain my trust mechanism. It seems to go haywire the closer or more important someone becomes. Relationships are especially messy. Apart from a small selection of people, I regard others warily when we become attached, even if all I want to do is be fond of them. I get into a dichotomy of love/hate, admiration/resentment, ‘come here’/’go away,’ etc.”
3/30/2013;
Have you ever been in a canoe?
“In my early tweens I went to a friend’s cabin near Rye, and we went out on a pond near their place in a small boat. I don’t know whether it was technically a canoe or not, but it had paddles, and we… rowed in circles because we were absolutely horrible at coordinating our strokes. I was afraid we were going to get stuck in the middle somewhere, just going around and around and around endlessly.”
How about a cruise ship?
“No, I’ve never been on a cruise ship. Other than my fear of catastrophe, however, it sounds like it would be a really nice time. And—oddly, uncharacteristically—I’ve been craving something like that, or some time spent lounging on a sunny, desolate, ever-ongoing expanse of a beach. I want to luxuriate~.”
Are you in love? If so, describe how it feels. If not, would you like to be?
“No, I’m not in love. I’m still in the uncomfortable realm of questioning my feelings for anyone I’ve ever been with: I wonder whether I loved them, or if I needed them—their company, their approval, their ability to buffer and numb me from the outside world. I think I used relationships a bit like a drug, as I lingered even in unhealthy and unhappy circumstances rather than face being alone with my own company.”
Have you ever held your breath for a minute or longer?
“I may have. I used to have a habit of holding my breath whenever someone in a film or show did, only to realize either a) I had no lung capacity whatsoever or b) the character should have long since drowned and died.”
Do you believe in the end of the world?
“Like… well, yes. I mean, the world will end some day, in some form. It—or life as we know it, humanity—won’t last forever. Plus, isn’t the sun supposed to engulf us some several billion years from now, or something? That says END enough for me, honestly.”
What’s your philosophy?
“Be kind—to the best of my ability.”
What do you want to do more than anything in the world?
“To love and heal myself; to reach a stable place in terms of mental illness; to be much more independent, confident, and self-assured; to travel and learn and live my dreams; to fall in love for the right reasons.”
Are you religious?
“No, I’m not. If anything, I’d say my beliefs are of a very natural sort: I look to the earth, to my surroundings, to (how I can help) other people. I try—though I may not always succeed—to do good, and to better the lives of those around me.”
What do you imagine the end of the world will look like?
“I don’t really imagine the end of the world. Sometimes I think about standing by my window and seeing a huge mushroom cloud, or a blast sweeping toward me, but I don’t think that’s the way my life’s going to be extinguished, nor do I necessarily think the world will end in fiery explosions. The vision’s probably a result of too many apocalyptic films.”
If you had to choose between death and life without love, which?
“I would choose death. A life without love—of any sort—which I would assume includes never feeling it either—would be abysmal. I would get very little joy out of anything if I couldn’t love it, couldn’t cherish it. If everything evoked only tepid feelings, then what would be the point? I mean, I suppose I could explore the depths of other emotions, but… still.”
When were you born? (morning, afternoon, etc)
“Shortly before midnight.”
What insect are you most afraid of?
“I can’t think of an insect that makes me fearful. I’m a bit nervous around wasps, but I wouldn’t say I’m afraid of them. We even had a small nest in one of the corners on the side of the house last summer, and I was more interested in watching them buzz around than I was in running from them or harming them or thinking they might harm me. I’m starting to internalize that certain animal shows may have skewed my perception regarding many creatures. Other than Steve Irwin, it’s like people sensationalized or exaggerated the dangers, yet most things I’ve encountered have been shy, docile, and more willing to run than bite. This mentality has really helped me lessen my silly fear of spiders.”
What animal?
“I can’t think of any animals I fear either. Not in my current circumstances, anyway. If I were stranded in the woods and faced with a hungry wolf, though, then you can bet I’d be afraid.”
How long was your longest relationship?
“It lasted a little less than three and a half years, then we reunited and tried again about a year later, which lasted two to three months, if I remember correctly.”
What’s the saddest thing you’ve heard today?
“Um, I don’t think I’ve heard anything sad today, actually. Nothing that’s stuck with me.”
Describe in detail a person you care about.
“My dad: he’s about six feet tall, often dresses in hiking attire or jeans, works as a stock broker, likes numbers and math and program design, is Jewish, has greying hair, walks a lot, wakes up super-early, hardly ever complains about anything, is really easy-going, reads a lot, says random things out of the blue sometimes like ‘pickles,’ drinks almost as much coffee as I do, was in the Air Force, likes to talk about his childhood, likes the outdoors, listens to a lot of meditative music lately, is a great dad, etc.”
Can you swallow pills, or do you prefer liquid medicine?
“They give me a bit of difficulty, but I’m capable of swallowing pills. I prefer them to most liquid medicines, anyway. Although, strangely, grape cough medicine never bothered me much. Cherry and citrus stuff, though—those were insufferable; the taste would make me feel sicker than I was already. Even thinking about cherry medicine makes me pull a grim-looking face.”
Would you ever do yoga?
“I have done / still kind of do / would continue to do yoga. My mom was into it for a while when I was younger, probably middle school-age or early high school. I’d sometimes participate while she’d do poses in the living room. Later on, in the hospital, yoga was part of the minimal exercise plan they allowed, so I did that several times a week with the rest of the group. Lately, I just do simple poses whenever the urge strikes, although I guess not for any seriously yoga-related purpose. It’s one of those things I say I want to get deeper into, yet never devote the time. Maybe one day, when I have a bit more of a handle on my current routines.”
What would your full name be if you married your favorite actor?
“I don’t have a favorite actor.”
And your first name if it was identical to your fave actor’s?
“…Why would my first name be—never mind.”
How bored are you, on a scale of 1-100?
“I’m not particularly bored. I’ve got this to keep me busy for a few more questions, then I’m planning on either scrolling through my dashboard for a bit, or starting breakfast, which I will eat either while watching more NGE or while reading A Storm of Swords. Decisions, decisions! After that, it’ll probably be time to make my fruit smoothie, that way I can stick it back in the freezer and it’ll be nice and frozen when it’s time to have it for snack this afternoon.”
Why did you pick that exact number?
“I can almost never settle on numbers when it comes to questions like that—whether they’re about happiness, sadness, boredom, or whatever. A number doesn’t seem to accurately encompass my feelings.”
If you had to skip ahead a year or back a year from now, which?
“A whole year? Wow. Neither, really. I don’t want to live through everything I’ve just been through all over again, but I don’t want to jump forward and wind up with a huge gap, either. I need that time to start pulling my life together. I can’t let another year slip by in hibernation.”
Do you prefer love or lust?
“Love.”
Do you really know the difference?
“Yes, I believe I’m able to tell the difference. It’s not between love and lust that I have difficulty differentiating, after all. It’s between love and utter dependency.”
How long can you sit still without fidgeting?
“I’m almost never still. Not without thinking about it. At the very least, I’ll be picking at my right thumbnail, which is …kind of deformed and not a pretty sight. I’m probably going to pick it off one day just because I can’t stop messing with it. It’ll be painless, I’d imagine, but still very weird.”
What color is your favorite flower?
“I’m going to go with dandelions, and they’re yellow. However, my favorite part is when they’re in seed, which is more of a whitish-grey color.”
Would you switch hair with your best friend?
“I don’t have a best friend.”
How are you doing?
“I’m doing alright, I think. Today’s going to be one of my more truly recovery-oriented days, so I’ve got mixed feelings about that. I’m both scared and excited, but mostly excited, at least for the moment. I’m looking forward to breakfast, to the rest of today, etc. But the future’s still a daunting unknown, and sometimes that leaves me paralyzed, because I know it’s not just about eating. It’s about the whole damn picture, and I don’t want to forget that this time. I don’t want to forget to do this for myself, to mince nothing, to withhold nothing, to really see how much better I can get, and where my life can take me.
Could you fall asleep right now?
“It would take me a while, but I might be able to. I got up earlier than usual, so I am a little groggy.”
Could you climb a mountain?
“Not in my current condition, but I’ve nearly climbed Quandary Peak, and I have hopes of climbing other mountains in the future! One I’d really like to do is Pike’s Peak, not necessarily because of any spectacular views (not that there aren’t those—since there are views aplenty), but because it’s nostalgic: we drove up there when I was a kid, and there’s a doughnut shop at the top, and a cog train that goes by, and it’s just… neat. ; w ; I’ve got a book with bunches of Colorado trails and mountains, so—health-depending—I’m going to pick out places to fulfill my wanderwishing this summer and fall.”
Do you have bug-eye sunglasses? Why?
“I do. And what do you mean ‘why?’ I like them.”
Do you prefer running or dancing?
“I don’t do either very often, but I guess (I feel more comfortable) running. I like dancing, but I feel foolish when I do it.”
Have you seen the new Star Trek movie?
“No, I haven’t.”
Are you even the kind of person who would watch that?
“Yes, kind of. I watched the Star Trek: Enterprise series for the first time last year, so I’m a new fan, but still a fan all the same.”
Do you prefer decimals or fractions?
“It depends.”
Describe a perfect person.
“I don’t know any perfect people. Except Halle~. :’)”
Describe yourself.
“I’m still figuring out who I am. I don’t yet feel I have a ‘self’ to genuinely describe.”
Is music your life?
“No, but it’s a part of my life. I have a few favorite bands, I enjoy singing, etc.”
Do you allow cliches in your speech or do you shun them?
“I don’t think about it much.”
