(Source: cazadorscuriosity, via kagetsuyas)
Six things you will find if you open my bag
☆ “I don’t have a bag, but here are some items I tend to take with me: water bottle.”
☆ “ID and money.”
☆ “Coat or hoodie.”
☆ “CD player.”
☆ “Silver mechanical pencil.”
Six things in my bedroom
☆ “A mountain of stuffed animals.”
☆ “Books and journals and such.”
☆ “My trinket and treasure table.”
☆ “An acoustic guitar.”
☆ “A couple bins of clothes.”
☆ “A tiny fake Christmas tree.”
Six things I’ve always wanted to do in my life
☆ “Have some sort of grand, life-changing, life-affirming adventure (although it’s become more defined in recent years: backpack the Colorado Trail, the Appalachian Trail, other long trails throughout the US as well as in other countries; find more mountains I could conceivably climb; explore Iceland, Norway, Sweden, Finland, Germany, Japan; see glaciers and icebergs and deep mossy forests and seas of springtime blossoms; essentially: travel, travel, travel—wherever my wanderwishing takes me).”
☆ “Live in a quaint and rustic cabin somewhere secluded, but not too secluded: I don’t want to live so remotely that it’s closer to nonexistence, but I do want a home that feels like a personal sanctuary.”
☆ “Fall in love—or BE love. Change the world in small ways. Help people see how wonderful they are.”
☆ “Garden and grow my own food. Try to live from and appreciate the land as much as possible.”
☆ “Provide a caring home for a bunch of cats.”
☆ “Figure out who I am—and how to be that person, unabashedly.”
☆ “And I know this is seven things, but: C R E A T E. Write, draw, take pictures, journal, do crafts, collage—whatever.”
Six things that make me very happy
☆ “Spending time with people I care about—family, friends, etc.”
☆ “Spending time out in nature. Lying on the earth, feeling the sun, grass, and sky. Feeling at peace; still; belonging.”
☆ “Receiving unexpectedly sincere, uplifting, encouraging, and hope-instilling compliments.”
☆ “Reuniting with people I used to know—and having it go really well.”
☆ “Realizing I can overcome or diminish some of my most deeply rooted fears and beliefs.”
☆ “Seeing other people happy. Their good energy makes me happy as well.”
Six things I’m currently into
☆ “Vegetarianism and [transitioning toward] Veganism, as well as other ways of eating and being that are more sustainable and kind.”
☆ “Gardening: learning what it takes to produce enough to be nourishing. And cooking: looking up new recipes, branching out, trying new things, figuring out what I really like in terms of food.”
☆ “Game of Thrones / A Song of Ice and Fire series.”
☆ “Finding and putting into practice methods for developing self-esteem and healthy coping mechanisms.”
☆ “My rewriting project: combining Halle’s chapters from Lost! and Snow into one big book, which will still be titled Snow. 19 chapters edited and mostly finalized, so only 19 more to go~. I should be finished by this weekend or next. It really just depends on how complicated achieving correct formatting becomes.”
Six things on my to-do list
☆ “Look up some sort of 30 day doodling challenge to motivate me to draw more often. Maybe something OTP-related, like prompts to draw them doing various [adorable, precious, and possibly oh-so-kinky] things.”
☆ “Laundry. I can’t believe how much I’ve let pile up on the bathroom floor. Disgraceful! Hahah~.”
☆ “Figure out calorie-dense / weight-gain-promoting meals I can eat without feeling fit to pop.”
☆ “Write in my Happiness Project One Sentence Journal.”
☆ “Finish reading the last few pages of A Storm of Swords.”
Ten things some people may or may not know about me
☆ “I am transgender.”
☆ “I recently quit smoking [cigarettes] again: I’ve gone approximately three weeks without one. I had around two months before, but I was like to hell with that and smoked for a week or two; then I was like no, I can’t do this; if I can’t do it for myself or my lungs, I better do it for my VOICE, so I did. Hopefully this time will stick, since it’s falling under the umbrella of a lot of other recovery / health efforts as well.”
☆ “Halle is my alter-ego. He is pieces of me—embellished, exaggerated… egotistical. I seem to channel all my worst habits, addictions, behaviors, yearnings, and character traits into him. We’re like two halves of a more cohesive, healthy whole.”
☆ “I was home-schooled for a year during high school.”
☆ “I actually really like the repetitive motion aspect of work—putting the little key-chains together, snapping things, etc. I can get ‘stuck’ doing stuff like that forever and not want to quit because I’ll want to do just. one. more. I should have realized sooner: it’s just like my obsessive exercise—except not destructive and way more productive!”
☆ “I hate naming things. Please don’t give me that responsibility. Ahh! /Hides.”
☆ “I can kind of do this weird hand / head stand wannabe yoga pose thing that’s kind of cool, and I can almost do the crow pose… for like a second.”
☆ “I don’t like to wear shorts, but I have no idea why… Hmm.”
☆ “Having people read my writing makes me super nervous, but drawing, photographing, or any other creative endeavor is almost entirely anxiety-free.”
☆ “Sometimes I feel like an extrovert trapped in an introvert’s existence.”
1. Have you ever punched a wall?
“No, I haven’t. I have headbutted a wall, however. There’s a little crater in my old bedroom. I’ve also slammed walls with the pinky sides of my fists, or open-palmed, but never proper punching.”
2. Does it bother you when fingernails scrape a chalkboard?
“I don’t think I’ve ever heard nails scrape against a chalkboard, actually. I’ve seen it in cartoons, but I have no idea what they recorded for the sound accompanying the motion—whether it was someone literally doing so, or whether it was produced some other way. It’s not a particularly pleasant sound, but I can think of several that would be much more bothersome.”
3. Do you have a landscaped yard?
“We have the remnants of a landscaped yard, I suppose. The grass in the front is mostly dead after a poor sod experience several years ago. Like, dead-dead. Not brown-dead, but grey-dead. The flower garden and the bushes on the side grow erratically. Weeds sprout in the rocks in the right season. The backyard is where things are more interesting, although not necessarily ‘landscaped,’ as we’ve got garden plots and lots of pathways, trellises for vines and such, several large trees, one toppled and worn one near the fire pit area, a deck, a table near the back, etc. Things are still kind of disorganized presently, but with the weather being warmer more often, I’m able to get out and do more work. It should be in really nice shape this summer.”
4. Do you meditate?
“I do. I sometimes find myself lapsing into it quite naturally. I had a thought earlier today about turning the living room into a yoga room. There’s basically only the old and cushion-less couch in there, and the computer desk and TV stand, but those are all against one wall; if we moved the couch to the other side, there would be a whole lot of room. A sea of carpet I could fall on, ahh!”
5. Do you always have to be right?
“No, don’t. I have a lot of cluttered, random feelings about this, though. Like, how I don’t necessarily want to be wrong either, but then I think ‘what’s so wrong about being wrong?’ Is the truth going to change any because I was mistaken? My misguided perspective doesn’t alter what really is, so it seems like it’s okay to be wrong about something, since I’ll learn what’s true eventually. Plus, I should know being wrong is nothing to be ashamed of. People can’t be right 100% of the time or perfectly informed about everything. Also, I think it would be more accurate to say that I have a need to be not necessarily right, but understood.”
6. What would you do if you had only 1 hour left to live?
“I’d probably send a certain someone a message and say sorry I hurt them in my incomplete and needy state. I’m sorry if I contributed to them feeling miserable or unwanted or unconsidered. I’m sorry if I gave them lasting wounds. It wasn’t my intention, but it might have been what happened all the same. I’d tell them that while there were a lot of things that went wrong between us, they also taught me a lot about a bunch of really important things—lessons I won’t forget, gifts I will always cherish. I just hope they can go forward and have a wonderful life, even if I’m not a part of it in the slightest. I want them to be okay. Like, really, really okay. Not the fabricated, glossy-eyed, barely functioning ‘okay,’ but the really good I can finally breathe easy and contentedly or oh my god life is beautiful ‘okay.’ I wish them everything—everything they’ve ever wanted. And I’d say I believe in them even though they might not believe me. Then I’d probably call my brother, tell him I love him and how I wish there was more time to hang out after we’d only just reconciled, but that it was great to be talking to him again. I’d tell him not to let mom get him down because things will change one day and he’ll be doing something really cool, living the way he wants. And Christopher, and some of my other friends—I’d message them as well, and tell them all what amazingly helpful and inspiring roles they’ve played in my life, and thank them for being there, and let them know what fantastic people they are. And then… well, I’d probably load a fat bowl, make a fresh pot of coffee, eat whatever I wanted, talk with my dad and tell him I love him, give him a hug, let him know all he’s done for me over the years, reminisce, grab my cats, cuddle them, and just… like, weep about how I’ll never finish A Song of Ice and Fire.”
8. Have you ever milked a cow?
“I have vague, fragmented memories about cow-milking at the State Fair, except I can’t remember if it was me or if I was just closely watching someone else. You’d think I’d remember if I’d grabbed an udder, though, right?”
9. Do you have any full spectrum light bulbs?
“I’m not sure what a full spectrum light bulb is.”
10. What is your favorite gemstone?
“I don’t really have a favorite. Aquamarine is my birthstone, though, and that’s rather pretty. I also like rose quartz, and—after looking through a list—I realize I used to have snowflake obsidian. …Oh! I think I found a rather suitable favorite for the meanwhile: larimar. It reminds me of clouds and crystal mountain lakes. It’s so pretty, oh my gosh.”
11. Have you danced by the light of the moon?
“I’ve done a lot of things by the light of the moon. I am a backpacker, after all.”
12. Do you think of age 50 as being old?
“I think oldness is a matter of mentality. At least… I hope it will be. I won’t know until I arrive at fifty, but I’m hoping I’ll still be young at heart. I don’t want an aging body to age my soul. I don’t think they have to grow simultaneously or parallel or linearly or whatever.”
13. Do you like almonds or cashews the best?
“That’s tough. Every time I think I’ve settled on one, I’m like—no, wait, maybe… no… AH!”
14. Would you buy an iMac computer?
“I seriously doubt it. I’m happy with the one I have, so unless it’s going to do something extraordinary that this computer doesn’t, I don’t see a reason to.”
15. Have you gone on many blind dates?
“I haven’t gone on any.”
16. Do you think same-sex marriage should be legal?
“I wait for the day when this is no longer a question. (Of course they should be legal.)”
17. Are you analytical?
“I’m curious and sometimes judgmental (although I try not to be the latter). I like to pry into things. I like to wonder about things. I don’t know if that’s precisely analytical, though.”
18. Do you tend to go with the flow, or wade upstream all by yourself?
“I am learning how to go with the flow, and it’s wonderful.”
19. When a stranger drops something, do you attempt to pick it up?
“If I’m nearby and it wouldn’t be totally weird for me to race over there and lend assistance, sure. I’m not shy about helping people with things like that.”
20. Has someone done something extra nice for you today?
“My dad’s made a fresh pot of coffee a couple of times.”
21. Are you a private person?
“I don’t know. I think I’m open until I feel too vulnerable, and then I end up wishing I was more private from the start, but… hmm.”
22. Name one thing you would never eat?
“Cotton balls. I don’t know how true it is, but I read somewhere that they could unravel in your stomach and intestines and begin squeezing off parts of your organs and eventually slice you up from the inside. Lovely!”
23. Did/do you have a crush on any of your teachers?
“Nothing serious, no. I thought Mr. Christiansen (health and gym teacher) was pretty cool, though, because he actually had a grasp of what people with eating disorders went through, that they were mental disorders like any other, deadly, etc, since he had a relative who suffered. It made me feel a lot more comfortable during that portion of the course.”
24. Do you think having sex in a car is uncomfortable?
“I’ve never had sex in a car, but it can’t be any more uncomfortable than some of the other places I’ve had sex. I mostly forget about minor discomforts when I’m involved in that activity, anyway. Like, my mind is totally ~elsewhere.”
25. Do you have any friends you are embarrassed to be seen with?
“No, I don’t. I feel like it would be weird to be embarrassed by people I called my friends. Like, if I was ashamed of them, they’d definitely deserve a better friend than me.”
26. Do you excite easily?
27. Do you think Winnie the Pooh is a stupid name?
“No, I don’t. I think it’s a whimsical name—and now I’m trying to figure out what it means, since it’s also kind of nonsensical. I wonder if there is any meaning behind it, or if it’s just kind of random.”
28. Do you drink and drive?
29. Do you like to gamble?
“Not really, but I’ll sometimes enjoy card games related to gambling.”
30. Do you allow animals on your furniture?
“Yes, we do.”
31. Have you ever been lost in a bad part of a city?
32. Do you live near your birthplace?
“My birthplace is in Louisiana, and I currently live in Colorado—so not all that near, no.”
33. Would you rather have mint or fruit flavored gum?
“Fruit-flavored. Or cinnamon, but that wasn’t one of the options.”
34. Do you use petroleum jelly?
35. Do you have road rage?
“I have the Road Lackadaisicals. I can’t bring myself to give a shit. I’m just like ‘you all go right ahead and do whatever you’re gonna do; I’m just gonna plug along, get out of your way, do my thing~…’”
36. Who is more passive, your mother or father?
“My father. And it makes me feel bad because my mom just tramples him sometimes.”
37. Do you watch TOO MUCH football?
“No, I hardly watch any at all.”
38. Do you feel brain dead?
“I feel kind of ‘ehhhhhh’ because it’s just that time of day, but lately my mind’s been abuzz. I’ve felt very much the opposite of brain-dead.”
39. Are you more decisive or indecisive?
“I’m more indecisive—about the silliest, smallest things, too.”
40. Have you ever eaten grass?
“Yes, I have. My brother and I used to lie out in it and pick it and play the ‘boy or girl grass’ game, and sex was determined by whether or not the grass pulled up had a purplish (girl) or whitish (boy) root. Then we’d eat them. Hahah.”
41. When you hear the song “Puff the Magic Dragon” what do you think of?
“I first think LIVES BY THE SEA; and then I think of getting stoned.”
42. Are you more of a conservative or a liberal?
“I think I’m probably …a Hobbit, actually. (Can I move to a planet without political parties, please? Or can we abolish them in this world somehow?)”
43. Do you ever eat food right out of cans and jars instead of using plates or bowls?
“I do. I ate almond butter and chocolate hazelnut butter out of jars yesterday, using chocolate bunny grahams to scoop it out.”
44. Are you desperate for attention?
“Not as desperate as I used to be. However, everyone deserves attention! Isolation is a torture and it does terrible, warping, damaging things to people. Wanting or needing attention isn’t a bad thing. (Basically, I’m no longer so desperate because I feel like I’m getting [and *notice* I am getting] the necessary attention and care. I’m not floundering anymore. I feel heard.)”
45. Does your mind ever go blank?
“Yes. As still and silent as a lake—and then I feel like I reflect the sky.”
46. Have you ever gone swimming in a golf course pond?
47. Have you ever trespassed on private property?
“I’ve gone into a house that was in the process of being built, out in the prairies where I used to ride bikes as a kid. Suburbia has really sprawled out over those places in the past ten or so years.”
48. Do you know anyone who lives under a bridge?
“No, I don’t.”
49. What smells worse than skunk spray?
50. Do you have a washer and dryer?
51. Have you ever met anyone interesting at a laundrymat?
“I’ve only been to a laundromat a few times, but no, I haven’t met anyone.”
52. Do you have any recurring dreams?
“I have constantly recurring themes and people, but they aren’t the same nightly. They’re actually very different for containing a lot of the same stuff. Last night’s was beautiful, though.”
53. Are you kind?
“I want to be.”
54. Are you fair?
55. Would you give a needy person the shirt off your back?
“I don’t know if they’d want a little pink shirt, but I’d give them something, yes.”
56. Do you ever ride a bike instead of taking a car?
“I used to ride my bike or walk to the mall when I used to play DDR with everyone at the Tilt all the time, but I don’t really anymore. I should get into walking to Vitamin Cottage when I get physically better, though. It’d help get me in shape for backpacking as well.”
57. Does the sight of blood make you feel queasy?
“No. Blood (and innards, etc) doesn’t really bother me at all. It’s actually rather pretty. Like, the inner workings of the body aren’t disgusting. They’re neat. They have similar patterns to trees and stars and galaxies—so how could that ever be gross?”
58. Would you rather be a plumber or a circus freak?
59. Do animals have emotional lives?
“Of course. You would have to be very unobservant to believe otherwise.”
60. Have you ever been slashed with a knife… If so who did it?
“I have. I did it to myself.”
How far away from New York City do you live?
“1,784.4 miles, and travel time would be 1 day 3 hours—although, honestly, I can’t imagine why I’d want to drive that distance straight through. Realistically, if I ever went north-east again, it’d probably take me something like two and a half days, including rest stops and overnight stops, as that’s what it took when I went to Warren, Pennsylvania as a teen, and that’s only a few hours away from NYC.”
Have you ever felt like you were being two-timed?
“Yes, I have felt as such. However, when I approached him about the matter, giving examples of situations I felt were suspicious or led me to feel mistrustful, he acted affronted, almost like what audacity I must have had to even question his loyalty. Except I had every reason to—as I later found out he had indeed been cheating, and had done so multiple times before I was finally given even a kernel of the truth. Of course, looking back, I should have left at the first hint of a warning sign—it would have saved me a lot of mental damage that didn’t end at unfaithfulness—but I was naive and knew no better and thought he’d love only me if only I somehow made myself worthy.”
Who’s the last person to give you a hug?
“The last person to give me a hug was my dad.”
What’s your favorite time of day?
“My favorite time of day is morning, generally not long after I’ve gotten up. Depending on what my dreams were like, I enjoy feeling as though I’m still half-dispersed, still living in a shimmering mirror world. I also enjoy anticipating a warm shower and hot coffee, and sitting down to my dashboard or Word to work on Snow. And the way the light infuses my room is very cheering, calming, soft… It just all feels very nice. I also like late nights, right before bed. I tend to read then, so I can be assured of immersion in some fantastical realm.”
If you could see any band in concert, who would it be?
“Kent, Radiohead, or Sigur Rós.”
What song always makes you happier when you’re sad?
“Always by Erasure. Or that Double Rainbow song. Really, though, no song will always make me happy when I’m sad: if it were that simple, I’d just put it on repeat and hope I was never far away from batteries or electricity. But there are some that give me consolation or hope, and some are just plain silly, so they make me smile or laugh. If my current issues are too bright or heavy or overwhelming, however, no song will get through.”
Anything that you’re looking forward to?
“I’m looking forward to seeing if the friend requests I sent on Facebook will be accepted. I found out the other day while having coffee with my brother that someone I used to be pretty good friends with asked how I was doing and told him to tell me hi; he’d said he’d added her on Facebook, so I decided to kind of ‘revive’ mine and take a chance and add a few people I used to know as well, yet had drifted away from on harmless terms. (Like, people it wouldn’t be too terribly uncomfortable to encounter in public, ahaha.) I’m also looking forward to working on my pen pal letters. I decided I’m going to make myself sit down and start writing tomorrow, since nothing conquers anxiety like action, it seems. I know that once I get started, I’ll be happy as can be thinking of all the different things to say, ask, etc. Maybe I’ll go out to Hobby Lobby in the afternoon and get some stickers. If I do, do you know what that’ll mean? It’ll mean that I will have gone out almost every day during the past 7-10 days. And, when you consider how much time I used to spend hibernating at home, fearful and exhausted, that’s pretty fucking amazing if I do say so myself. I’m proud. Lastly, I’m looking forward to settling down to reading and eating after I finish with this survey and get through one last scroll of my dash.”
Have you ever thought about suicide?
“I have. I spent the past few months in a prolonged suicide attempt, essentially. And, if I’m perfectly honest, I still haven’t bounced back entirely. I still think of continuing with it, or of keeping myself ill so I can quickly get worse if I need to, if I feel like I just can’t keep going. I’m much more hopeful than I used to be and I’m pointed in the right direction, but it’s still very difficult, and I imagine it will be for some while. These disorders are hell, but I’m doing my best not to succumb and to trust that they can be decreased, managed, or overcome.”
When’s the last time you laughed really hard?
“I don’t remember. I know I’ve chuckled here and there, or half-laughed, but I don’t remember the last time I had one of those ‘god help me I can’t breathe’ kind of laughs.”
Do you know anyone named Maria?
“Not personally, no.”
Have you lost a friendship & then later regained it?
“Never fully. I’ve lost friendships and drifted away from people, then reunited to some extent, but the feelings were never what they used to be. (This almost makes me realize the futility of my efforts to reconnect with those past friends I mentioned above, but, ahh! I would wonder if I didn’t at least try. And, even though it might hurt to be rejected, it’s not like I wouldn’t be tempted to do the same if the roles were reversed. We’re of different worlds now, so I would understand.)”
What do you think of emo boys / girls?
“I don’t think one way or another about ‘emo’ people.”
What was your first job?
“Pueblo Diversified is my first job. I’ve had odd jobs before—cleaning on weekends for a synagogue my dad used to attend, as well as web-designing and doing CSA work for a Rabbi—but this is my first job with, like, a real paycheck and everything.”
Is there wallpaper anywhere in your house?
“Yes. There are two walls with wallpaper: one wall in the living room, and one wall in the master bedroom. They’re both very pale, subtle, with depictions of flowers and birds and ornamental-looking swirls.”
Have you ever been in love?
“I think so—or something close to it. ‘They’ say you’ll know when you are, so maybe I haven’t been. Or maybe I’m diminishing the importance of past situations. I don’t know. I’ve felt very strongly about people, but I can’t be entirely certain it was love. Sometimes it was very near to hate.”
Name one thing you’d like to do right now?
“Eat. And I will, very shortly.”
What is your favorite topping for ice cream?
“Chocolate chips or toffee crumbles.”
Have you seen Twilight?
“I have, yes.”
Are you an argumentative person?
“No, I don’t think I’m a particularly argumentative person. I can get easily flustered or frustrated while trying to explain (how I feel about / in) situations which are sensitive to me, and it makes me very jskdfjsak when I can’t get people to see things from my angle, so sometimes I get verbally harsh because I have the false belief that if I just act mean enough, people will understand where I’m coming from. It’s the same poor logic as raising your voice to someone who speaks a foreign language in the hope that yelling will make you more comprehensible, when, really, all you’re doing is scaring people.”
What stereotype are you?
“I have no idea.”
Do you own any animals?
“We have three cats.”
Would you ever name your son Halen?
“I don’t plan on having children, but no, Halen isn’t a name I would consider.”
Do you know who Jack Johnson is?
“I do, yes.”
Do happy endings exist in your world?
“I’m not so sure ‘endings’ exist in my world. It’s more like cycles than anything else. Everything sort of seeps into everything else, like the way the seasons turn. Nothing ends, nothing begins. There is only change.”
Did you know that toothpaste removes crayon from walls?
“I did not.”
Do you work for what you want or is it given to you?
“It’s some combination of both. There are things for which I work, for which I personally put forth the effort, and there are things that come my way just because I exist and it’s inevitable, or because I still need help learning how to acquire those things on my own.”
What do you think about country music?
“I think it’s kind of nice in a general way. Like, I like to listen to it while driving down wooded roads or while traveling cross-country, but I don’t know many artists or songs by name. It’s more the particular sound and attitude I like about it. Twangy mournfulness, unfolding stories, rich voices, nostalgia, etc. It’s the genre I like, and that’s a bit of a difficult thing to explain, hahah.”
What’s the hardest thing you’ve been through?
“I don’t even know.”
Do you own a webcam?
[ brand new day | @x__surveysforyou ]
1. When’s the last time you wanted to be left alone? Why?
“I’m actually not entirely sure. I know the last time I needed to have a moment to myself to think without any sort of interruption was a couple of evenings ago, though: I was attempting to reason through irrational thoughts so as to be able to have a take-out meal I genuinely wanted and was hungry for—and I eventually ended up getting it, so: go me. Also, yesterday, while I didn’t really want to be left alone exactly, I was a bit stressed out about the time and location confusion concerning meeting my brother and his boyfriend at The Daily Grind. There was some phone-tag between him and dad, and it seemed like my brother was getting frustrated with the miscommunication, and I felt unnecessarily guilty and scared he’d be grumpy, and, ahh!—I guess I just needed a moment to bundle up my nerves and stuff them away, but I couldn’t have that moment without making us even more late and frustrated, so I did my best to just swallow the feelings and enjoy the music and cherry blossoms as I walked from the car to the coffee shop. Thankfully, looking at spring’s beauty and appreciating the downtown atmosphere was just enough to soothe me before reaching the building.”
2. Do you ever randomly think of things you used to enjoy but no longer do?
“Sure, sometimes. Usually, it’s because someone else has made a mention of it, and I’m struck by how long it’s been since I’ve participated in a certain activity. Role-playing is something I don’t really do anymore, although not necessarily because I no longer wish to. I just haven’t found another opportunity or group or character that feels right and fitting. I’ve also grown somewhat self-conscious about setting up interesting enough character interactions. And there are other things like Dance Dance Revolution and Maple Story, which I am pretty sure I would still enjoy if I were motivated enough to revive those hobbies (or had someone to play with!). I’ve just got so many other little passions / tasks / chores / projects / pleasures I wish to complete or partake in during a day, so it’s difficult to keep a consistent schedule full of favorites.”
3. Has anyone done something for/to you recently that was completely unexpected?
“It wasn’t all that recently, but the next work day following my birthday, I received a card from staff at Pueblo Diversified. I wasn’t expecting them to acknowledge the day whatsoever, but they handed me the card in front of everyone and even sang to me. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and it made my morning a lot better, as I’d initially shown up feeling sad, nervous, and unlikable.”
4. When’s the last time you were sweating excessively?
“I had a lot of drenching cold sweats over the winter. I’d wake feeling soaked and anxious and shivering, sick with nerves and generally dreading having to face the day. I’m really glad those have mostly gone away. I still get a little sweaty when scared or anticipating something, but I don’t seem to experience the full-blown pervasive clammy-coldness to the same extent I did during those circumstances.”
5. Are there any slang words or abbreviations that really bother you? How about any that you like using?
“I can’t think of any off of the top of my head. Generally, no word or abbreviation is going to bother me unless it’s somehow hurtful. Anything else will hardly cross my mind for judgement. As for ones I like using, I do seem to sneak in an omg into my typing from time to time.”
6. How often do you feel hypocritical?
“Um, rarely, I suppose, but that might be because I don’t define hypocrisy as lightly or in the same way as some people tend to. For instance, I don’t consider someone a ‘hypocrite’ for struggling with something (say an addiction or disorder or any other hardship) and giving good advice they can’t yet follow themselves. That, to me, is not hypocrisy. That’s understanding how your habits differ from the ideal; that’s doing the best you can; that’s hoping your words might steer someone away from the same track. Even when people say things like ‘you shouldn’t judge others,’ yet they wind up judging someone: I don’t view that as hypocrisy either. Like, I don’t know, I just feel like the offense has to run so much deeper than the mistakes we all make.”
7. What is a current goal you’re trying to achieve?
“Oh, so many. So, so many. I feel like I’m finally starting to turn my life around, so I have a whole list of goals I wish to achieve. Lately, I’ve been trying to find solutions to things like supporting myself financially (which has started with Pueblo Diversified and will hopefully expand from there), learning life skills I didn’t pick up along the way (which seems to be most of them, goodness), social skills (which I guess I’ve been improving upon by talking to people who talk to me at work, making an effort to initiate conversations [generally only online as far as that’s concerned], starting up a pen pal letter exchange with a couple of people, and getting more comfortable with expressing my opinions / needs / desires—without embarrassment), feeling dependent or feeling incapable of taking care of myself alone, etc. I’m also hoping, as part of a broader and more complex recovery process, to bring my eating habits within a normal, sustainable range—and hopefully gain some weight so I can safely and comfortably go hiking and backpacking to my heart’s content this summer. As far as projects go, I’m still in the midst of rewriting Snow, so I’m trying to maintain consistency there so it actually gets done. I’m so close to being finished, so this is a strange time to slack off so superbly. Still, once I start working, I wonder what all the fuss and reluctance was about.”
8. Is there something that you thought you would’ve outgrown/gotten over by now, but haven’t?
“There are a lot of games I thought I would’ve outgrown by now, but it seems like my interest remains about the same (Rock Band, etc). I also imagined I’d outgrow surveys or feel too weird taking them after reaching a certain age, but that never seemed to become the case, despite disappearing a couple times. Same with blogging on Tumblr. And there are people I thought I’d be more ‘over’ by now, but I suppose letting go is a somewhat tangled timeline.”
9. Do you ever feel the need to change yourself, whether it be for yourself or for other people?
“Yes, I have felt that way—for both reasons. I sometimes feel compelled to suppress myself around certain people, or pretend like certain aspects of my identity don’t exist. However, lately, I’m trying to change myself for what I hope are the right reasons, and because I truly think such improvements will only enrich my existence.”
10. If you play/have ever played Sims, what is/was your favorite aspect of the game?
“I’ve only ever watched someone else play, and it wasn’t for terribly long, but I liked the customization factor, and I liked that you could create a Sim that would at least resemble the character or person you were trying to portray. I also just liked watching them go about their lives day after day. There’s something very calming about repetitive games.”
11. If you have one, would you ever deactivate/delete your Facebook? If you don’t, would you ever make an account?
“I have a Facebook account, but I hardly ever use it. I just logged in last night after weeks and weeks of leaving it alone, and that was just to upload various photos from 2013. I don’t know if I’d ever delete my account, but not because I’m particularly attached to it. It’d just be a lot less effort to leave it where it was, since it’s not like it’s got anything private on it.”
12. What is something that you’ve given up hope for ever being good at?
“I’m not sure. I don’t think it’d be anything I actually want to be good at, though. I think I still have hope for those things.”
13. Can you identify your favorite food by smell?
“Not all of my favorite foods have particularly strong smells, but those that do—definitely.”
14. Do you think there are situations where it’s better to keep your thoughts to yourself?
“I do, yes—or I at least think it’s important to recognize that there are certain situations in which your opinion won’t matter to or be relevant to those immediately involved, and that people should be careful when making ‘should’ statements regarding situations about which they aren’t well informed. Basically, if your words have the potential to do more harm than good, or muddle an already complicated situation, it’d be best to keep your opinion out of the chaos.”
15. Is there something many people think is funny, but you don’t? What?
“Probably. Nothing specific is springing to mind, though. I’m also not sure just how many people we’re talking about here. Like, I don’t find inside jokes referencing fandoms, shows, etc, with which I’m unfamiliar to be funny because I don’t have the background to understand why they would be amusing. But I can’t think of any well-known harmless joke I feel just plain isn’t funny whatsoever.”
16. How often do you talk to yourself?
“Inside my head, do you mean? Or out loud? If I’m not thoroughly caught up in something (like reading a book or some other activity that suspends my own thoughts) I’m almost always holding some sort of inner ‘dialogue’ or conversation with myself or the characters who take up residence within that realm. As for out loud, I don’t do so all that often, but sometimes I’ll be like, ‘ah, shit, I forgot to grab the _______ all the way upstairs,’ or ‘wow, I’m exhausted,’ or whatever might be right on the tip of my thoughts / tip of my tongue.”
17. Do you like water ice? What’s your favorite flavor?
“Water ice. So… just… ice? Are you talking about a snow-cone or maybe Italian ice or… I don’t know. I used to get lemon-flavored Italian ice pops in the hospital sometimes, and those were good. I haven’t tried many varieties of flavored ice, though. Just the rare snow-cone from the ice cream truck, that’s all.”
18. How often do you “draw a blank” mentally?
“Multiple times per day. My thoughts go absolutely still—and sometimes refuse to start for a while.”
19. Have you ever felt like “the joke’s on you”?
“I’m sure I’ve felt that way at some point, either in dry amusement or because I actually felt like the butt of a joke.”
20. Have you ever watched a movie in class/school that made you cry?
“No, I don’t think so. Up until recently, I’ve never been very (outwardly) emotionally moved by films, and many of them, even those that were meaningful and intense, left me feeling more disconnected and bored and restless than attached or touched or emotionally involved. I guess I’m making up for that now, though, since I can hardly watch a decent movie without the littlest things feeling like they’re going to affect me or stick with me forever. Between 2012 and now, I’ve teared up or sniffled or had *feelings* about films that went well beyond what I’m used to having.”
21. Are you ever creeped out by the internet?
“Not… really. I mean, there are times when I think about how vast it is and how it’s like its own little universe or planet or ecosystem with everything that goes on with it, and all the possibilities—good and bad and otherwise, but it’s not something I’d say legitimately creeps me out. It’s more like …whoa. A sense of awe that something could become so immense.”
22. What’s the earliest you could go to bed at night and feel okay about?
“It’s more about how tired I feel and less about the time. If I’m sleepy, I’ll sleep. I don’t care what the clock says.”
1. What bill do you hate paying the most?
“I don’t pay my own bills at present. I’m not even certain I have any that fall to me specifically, although there are services and expenses I use and accumulate jointly with family, such as internet, Netflix, car-gas, etc. I have no cell phone, I’m not attending school, I avoid the doctor, dentist, and most other medical facilities like the plague and basically rely on over the counter medications and alternative methods to meet my needs: my expenses are limited. I do, however, contribute to things like food, and I have a little money for my own needs, clothes, hobbies, and things of that nature.”
2. Where was the last place you had a romantic dinner?
“The last—and only—place I’ve had a romantic dinner would be Cactus Flower, with Nick, something like four or five years ago. He wanted to take me there as a Valentine’s Day surprise, but he had a family emergency and couldn’t make it on the day-of. He felt so bad and apologized so much, but I wasn’t upset at all—not for selfish reasons, anyway: I just didn’t want him to feel guilty, since it was tearing me up that he was beating himself up over something he couldn’t control. We had a nice dinner at home instead. And, a month or so later, we eventually had our Cactus Flower date. I got the kid’s dinosaur nuggets. Very sophisticated.”
3. Do you regret losing your virginity to who you lost it to?
“It would feel strange to say I regret an action that no longer means much of anything to me today, but if I were in that moment again, and knew then what I know now about the type of person that ex would be and how he would treat me, I wouldn’t have had sex or any sort of relationship with him at all.”
4. If you could go back and change one thing what would it be?
“It’s just… I find it somewhat amusing how I can often regard my past so critically, yet when it comes to questions like this, questions that offer up a chance to change something or amend a regret, I balk. It’s like I’d rather stick with what I’ve experienced than try to alter one thing and send the whole structure crashing down. After all, who knows where I’d be now if not for this or that decision, experience, or encounter. Perhaps somewhere better, yes. But perhaps I’d be somehow worse off instead. The endless possibilities make me cling to my own life dearly. As far as small things, though, I’d have climbed completely to the top of Quandary Peak. I was almost there, the summit was so touchably close, but I wasn’t sure I’d have the energy to climb down if I climbed up, so I made the decision to turn back and save my strength. I knew heights-wise I could do it, so it didn’t feel like too much of a disappointment, but… this summer: I must return and finish what I started.”
5. Name of your first grade teacher?
“My first grade teacher was Mrs. Haley, and she was one of the sweetest teachers I’d ever had. I remember we ‘dissected’ a computer at one point: we were told to take apart as much as we could, so we did; the ~plot twist~ was that we had to try to put it back together afterward, and the kids that did the best ended up with some small prize. I don’t remember who won, but that afternoon was a lot of fun. Elementary school in general was fun—even if I cried before going on an almost morningly basis, hahah.”
6. What do you really want to be doing right now?
“Oh, if the weather were warmer and the sun were shining brightly, I’d love to be out at Goodwin Lake, perhaps sleeping on the soft mossy grass near the shore, slightly shaded by boughs of a nearby pine, or perhaps curled betwixt its roots, feeling embraced and earthen.”
7. What did you want to be when you were growing up?
“I said I wanted to be a veterinarian. I don’t know what I really wanted, though. I loved animals—that much was indisputable—but I knew I lacked the capacity to stay levelheaded while they were in pain. Rather than being able to help them, I’d dissolve into a useless puddle. Even just the sound of a hurt animal makes me want to cover my ears and cry. I think I honestly just wanted to be a magical orb of energy, a prince, a space traveler, an alien, a faerie, a wanderer, a dandelion, a wish, a boy on an impossible quest—a boy made of stars.”
8. How many colleges did you attend?
“I attended a community college several years back, but found, under the circumstances, I wasn’t capable of keeping up with the workload. After two very messed up, strenuous semesters, I had to stop going. I could tolerate it no further. With things as they are now, I doubt I’ll ever return to school, but—who knows. Stranger and more unlikely things have occurred. Dad mentioned something about auditing classes, which would mean I could take them without the fear of a failing grade, but… I don’t know. I think I’d rather look for other kinds of classes either online or around the city, things about cooking and gardening and vegetarianism or veganism, hiking groups, and other things that would get me out and involved within the community. Rather than school, I think those things would benefit me better.”
9. Why did you choose the shirt that you have on right now?
“Ahaha, it’s that rehab is for quitters shirt I mentioned in one of yesterday’s surveys as being one of the only things in my clean clothes hamper. I chose it because it was clean, first of all, and because it was also really hot upstairs: I wanted something baggy and flowing and non-restrictive. It was weird to have to remove layers for once, since normally I’m trying to bundle up as much as possible to combat against persistent cold.”
10. What are your thoughts on gas prices?
“Since I don’t drive presently and can’t compare my gas expenses to my work profits or other expenses, it’s difficult to have any real, educated thoughts on the matter.”
11. If you could move anywhere and take someone with you, where would it be?
“Anywhere, wow. I’ve been developing an interest in Iceland. It would feel like a dream to be able to live there, or Norway or Sweden. But, more realistically, somewhere like Leadville, Colorado would be very much to my tastes. I also have a feeling I would like Montana if I lived near mountains like I do here, or some small town in the forests of New York or Pennsylvania, such as Warren, where I spent a summer with friends of the family. As for the person I’d take with me, that’d be my dad.”
12. First thought when the alarm went off this morning?
“I don’t use an alarm. My first few thoughts after waking were related to how early it was, yet how surprisingly alert I felt after getting only two hours of sleep the night before that one, and staying up rather late last night as well. It seems I’m requiring less sleep. Or wanting it less: recently, I haven’t been so inclined to remain in bed; I want to get up and start the day—which is nice, since I’ve felt that all too infrequently over the past few months. I also thought about how I was relieved I wasn’t so full anymore. I was hungry last night and made the decision to eat a big meal (which I have to remind myself was a good thing, not a bad one by any means! [My body needs the bulk nourishment whenever I’m able to have it, after all.]) and I ate to the point where I was kind of uncomfortably full, but. Blah. Today is today, and I’m not going to let irrational feelings stop me from continuing forward.”
13. Last thought before going to sleep last night?
“Dear Lord, don’t let me pop~. (No, I don’t know.) It was probably a mix of thoughts about life, the upcoming day (going to The Daily Grind), people, food, books (especially asoiaf because I’ve been reading it before bedtime almost nightly—AND SANDOR CLEGANE AND LORD BERIC WERE IN MY DREAM LAST NIGHT. [Weird.]), my overnight oats sitting in the refridgerator, Halle and company; bunches of stuff.”
14. Favorite underwear?
“I don’t have a favorite pair of underwear. They’re all basically the same except for color differences—which don’t matter because I’ve got pants on over them 99% of the time.”
16. What errand/chore do you despise?
“I don’t really despise any chore or errand. I don’t necessarily like doing dishes, but I find it’s alright once I get started and stop thinking about it. And cleaning the bathrooms or moping or wiping the counters is fine, vacuuming is fine and pretty effortless, as is dusting. And I actually enjoy going to the grocery store, so that’s more like an outing than an errand, especially if I’m getting ingredients to make a new meal I wish to try: then it’s kind of exciting. And cleaning my room, while I sometimes put it off (although it never gets that cluttered anymore—so that’s good), is usually a rewarding task, as well as one during which I can poke through drawers and look at old diaries, art, papers, crafts, etc.”
17. If you didn’t have to work, would you volunteer?
“You know, perhaps I should look into volunteering again. I don’t know what’s feasible based on how things are with me now, what places could accommodate my needs as well, but I’m sure there’s something I could do—even if it’s just baking bread loaves for the Wayside Cross every weekend like I did that one summer.”
18. Get up early or sleep in?
“It depends very highly on how I’m feeling. Either one could be lovely or torturous if incorrectly applied. Sleeping in—or just lying there—would be painful if I were restless, and not getting enough sleep would be disastrous if I were exhausted (little sleep on top of the eating routines I’m still working to normalize would probably turn me into a very cranky fellow).”
19. What is your favorite cartoon character?
“Would anime characters count? There’s Mitarai Kiyoshi from Yu Yu Hakusho, Ryou Bakura from Yu-Gi-Oh, Belphegor from Katekyo Hitman Reborn, Ritsuka from Loveless, Shinji from Neon Genesis Evangelion, Cyrus from Yu-Gi-Oh GT, Feliciano and Lovino and Matthew and Gilbert and Tino and Berwald from Hetalia, and… oops, I almost slipped into naming book / show / film characters as well. But I think that’s about it as far as cartoon favorites go. There are others I like, but I have to draw the line of fondness somewhere I guess!”
20. Favorite thing to do at night with a girl/guy?
“It would be lovely to cuddle and stargaze with a hypothetical partner—perhaps while out in the woods, sitting near a cozy campfire. Or at home, beneath blankets, everything drawn up close and warm and safe.”
21. Have you found real love yet?
“I have people in my life who love and care about me very much, so I have found it in that sense. I hope you aren’t suggesting the only ‘real love’ is romantic love, hahah. All forms of love are real and important.”
22. When did you first start feeling old?
“I started feeling ‘old’ between the ages of 19 and 23. Then, suddenly, the feeling reversed and I began feeling young and childlike again. I think I only felt old because I had the perception of falling behind. Once I let go of that, the false feeling of oldness diminished. Now, as long as I maintain (or improve upon) my same general attitude and situation, I don’t think I’ll ever feel anything more than youthful, even when my body ages and weakens. Plus, I have plans to be an adorable old person, so!”
23. Favorite 80’s movie?
“I don’t have a favorite 80’s film.”
24. Your favorite lunch meat?
“I don’t really have a favorite lunch meat. I was thinking just last night that vegetarian sausage patties on cinnamon raisin bagels were probably some of my favorite things to eat ever, though. I don’t know what it is about the combination of flavors, but—yum.”
25. What do you get every time you go into Costco?
“I’ve never been to a Costco before.”
26. Beach or lake?
“Both sound fairly nice, so long as they’re relatively secluded.”
27. Do you think marriage is an outdated ritual?
“I don’t think I’d say it’s an outdated ritual—since it’s still an important thing to many people—but it feels sort of… outside my circle of experiences and expectations? Like, it’s such an abstract concept to me lately, the idea of binding myself to someone legally and staying with them for life; and, especially after seeing my parents go through their divorce, I’m wary of joining my existence with someone so thoroughly that I’d have to have it legally unbound before I could truly get away from them. It’s one thing when you can literally just walk away, but I don’t ever want to accidentally end up ‘stuck’ with someone who hurts me or does something to seriously exacerbate my mental issues. Even being on the sidelines for the divorce was yucky, so I can’t imagine what it would have been like to be in the marriage, to be the one stuck. Ugh, it makes my stomach churn just thinking about it.”
28. Do you own property?
“No, I don’t.”
29. Favorite guilty pleasure?
“You know, I think I’m done assuming guilt should accompany pleasure, especially when none of my pleasures really harm anything.”
30. Favorite movie you wouldn’t want anyone to find out about?
“There is no such film. I’m pretty sure every movie I like is fairly well-known.”
31. What’s your drink?
“Coffee and water are what I drink most of.”
32. Cowboys or Indians?
“/Immediately gets a certain Bon Jovi song stuck in my head.”
33. Cops or Robbers?
34. Who from high school would you like to run in to?
“Err, I’m not sure I would want to run into anyone I knew from high school. I wasn’t especially close with any school friends; and I don’t know how I’d feel about running into people I knew outside of school, yet around that same time-frame (card tournament friends, etc). It’d be awkward. We might not even talk. Or we’d stammer and try to come up with things to say. Not worth it. Not like we’d be friends again just because we figuratively bumped into each other, so best act like the other doesn’t exist! /Pulls into hermit-crab shell and hides.”
35. What radio station is your car radio tuned to right now?
“It’s tuned into a talk show station to which my dad listens.”
36. Norm or Cliff?
“These names mean nothing to me.”
37. ‘The Cosby Show’ or ‘The Simpsons’?
“I’ve only seen a few episodes of either show, so, really, neither.”
38. Worst relationship mistake that you wish you could take back?
“What happened, happened. I have to come to terms with that, since no amount of wishing things were different solves anything for anyone.
39. Do you like the person who sits directly across from you at work?
“I don’t sit directly across from the same person every time I go in, nor do I really even know anyone yet beyond general introductions. There are a lot of people in the room, too, something like 20-30, and we don’t have much opportunity to talk to those who are all the way across the table-square: you’d have to raise your voice over the noise and chatter just to be heard.”
40. What famous person would you like to have dinner with?
“Ah, I don’t know. I’m not a very conversational dinner date, and I’m not all that interested in many famous people. Not to the point where I feel I could comfortably have a meal with them, anyway.”
41. Indoors or Outdoors?
“Now that the weather is growing nicer—outdoors, please! (*´▽｀*) I can’t wait until there’s more to do around the garden.”
42. Have you ever crashed your vehicle?
“No, I haven’t.”
43. Have you ever had to use a fire extinguisher for its intended purpose?
“‘No, I haven’t. I wonder if I’d be able to figure it out. Or lift it.”
44. Last book you read?
“The last book I finished was A Clash of Kings, but the last one I read from was A Storm of Swords.”